Don't dress slutty, but please try to be sexy.

Be on the alert for predators at all times, this is your job, because they can't just be expected control themselves, but don't be afraid of all men...somehow.

You need to be strong, but not too strong, you don't want anyone to feel emasculated.

You need to want to have children, you have a womb, you just have to use it, but please don't let the children interfere with anything else you need to do. We are already doing you a favor giving you eight weeks of unpaid leave!

Be very thin, but also eat cheeseburgers and drink beer, because we don't want to acknowledge that for most people, being very thin involves not eating enough.

Be vulnerable and emotionally available, but I swear to God, if you cry at work, or express anger about anything, you're going to make everyone uncomfortable, HR needs to talk with you.

I get that you're working full time and 3 other people live in your house, but it's you're fault it's not clean enough, and did you really get take out again?

You need to have it all, but don't expect any hand outs.

Be smart, but don't show off, EVER, be demure, let them think it was their idea.

You need to be funny, but don't try to get attention, and don't snort laugh, and not too dirty, please don't mention your period!

And ffs, would it hurt you to smile?!