punkisundead [they/them]

Nonmonogamy for Men: The Big Picture

https://slrpnk.net/post/2665731

Nonmonogamy for Men: The Big Picture - SLRPNK

geteilt von: https://slrpnk.net/post/2665683 [https://slrpnk.net/post/2665683] > > A while ago I noticed a problem in my polyamorous social circles, namely that some of the guys just are not doing that well, in terms of finding partners, dating, and generally succeeding at nonmonogamy. In particular, the guys who are new to nonmonogamy seem to make a lot of blunders. Sometimes these are spectacular and result in those guys giving up and going back to monogamy, but other times they seem to take the form of a steady failure to date, or a quickly cycling through relationships. Of course, there are plenty of men who take well to nonmonogamy (myself included), espcially those who have been doing it for a long time. That said, longevity is no guarantee of success – some of the frustrated guys at my recent class on this subject had been polyamorous for over a decade but could still not get their groove on. My hope with the discussions below is that they will help other guys hopscotch past a lot of the conceptual traps that hold us back. > > Archived Version [https://ghostarchive.org/archive/baJCi]

Sep 30, 2023 at 1:07pmWeb
Show threadrecursive_recursion [they/them]Oct 1, 2023

One of the key barriers I think is communications skills

  • just being able to properly communicate things without fucking up can be hard (can’t say I’m immune to communication blunders, hopefully I’ve improved over time)

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another I can think of is empathy in caring about supporting each other’s needs

  • supporting 1 person in a monogamous relationship takes genuine care in making sure that the partner feels that the relationship is meaningful
    • so imagining 1 more and I’m not surprised that some are unable to sustain poly

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as someone that grew up in a conservative family I gotta say that most of the things I mentioned will be unfamiliar to anyone in the same position as I learned all these things externally from my mentors and friends

after reflection maybe providing support for people who want to become their best selves is a general good place to start

  • it doesn’t really make sense to help people who aren’t asking for help(except for some exceptions)
Show threadthornApr 17, 2024
TLDR; the non-monogomous community has a generally lower tolerance for the toxic social norms common among cis-het men. A man that finds himself impatient with his success in dating might consider that it makes sense for non-men to be cautious of all men, and he might need to do the work to recognize he might be the one that needs to learn what others expect of him to be found attractive.