HyalineI need to be more tolerant of mistakes. I grew up and learned in an authoritarian society. The industry environment where I learned my job after completing my studies was also authoritarian and patriarchal. This means that if I made a mistake, I became the target of severe anger, severe aggression, and punishment. This is a common occurrence in authoritarian and patriarchal societies.
Because of this, the same circuit was imprinted in my subconscious. The circuit contains the content that when I discover someone else's mistake, I should get very angry at the person who made the mistake, I should attack the person who made the mistake, and I should punish the person who made the mistake.
And this process occurs reflexively based on unconsciousness. And this process causes me tremendous stress and pain. Needless to say, this process is resulting in lower productivity and loss of motivation. I know this. So I hate this process. I absolutely hate this process happening inside my head. However, this process has happened again in my head, and I am suffering from it.
Being angry at others and feeling inclined to attack them takes a lot of energy. Also, if I have this mindset and then fail to project the attack onto the target, my brain becomes very stressed about it.
This target could be myself, in which case the process of determining whether the attack was successful becomes confusing. The success of the attack is decided by how the target feels the pain, and how I gain the self-esteem from that.
But, if the target is myself, the pain is mine. My brain seems to assume this is a failure of attack. So my brain tries to attack harder. For this reason, the attacks don't stop, I get sick, and a negative infinite loop starts to operate in my head in which the attacks become more intense.
From what I have learned through my treatment in psychiatry, when these negative self-feedbacks are triggered and an endless loop begins to run inside the head, this could be the starting point of many neurological disease symptoms. This process is incredibly painful for the nerves and all the hardware connected to them - the entire body.
Also, getting out is not easy. If you do not know how to deal with this symptom, the infinite loop usually ends when the entire body becomes exhausted and the infinite loop can no longer run. (It is usually accompanied by screaming, crying, and an overwhelming sense of despair. This also makes painful who are around me.) I know how to deal with this process, and I have dealt with it a lot, but even so, it sometimes leads to total physical exhaustion.
I have to put a lot of effort into convincing my subconscious that this is wrong, unnecessary, negative, and that this is ultimately a process that will hurt me. This also consumes a lot of energy and makes me tired.
I am now persuading my unconscious mind by writing this process down in sentences. Uneasy.
I want to be more tolerant of mistakes, for whom anyone
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