jnfrd JanAug 12, 2023

@RosaCtrl @EsterDaniel maybe. It took me quite some time (years) to break out a toxic relationship. I could have left but I didn’t because I thought I had obligations, because wrong loyalty and some other made up reasons.

But I use my regrets and the pain to learn so this won’t happen to me again.

Show threadEsterDaniel YtterbrinkAug 12, 2023
@jnfrd @RosaCtrl That mindset could be a problem if you still end up in a similar situation though? Would it not double the shame then? Or create fear of not having learned anything after all. I think we need self compassion that is not dependent on us changing. Because we can’t be sure of never repeating a mistake.
Show threadjnfrd JanAug 12, 2023

@EsterDaniel @RosaCtrl no. The shame comes from not allowing oneself to be human. That is to err.

Of course I can end up in a similar situation. It’s just way less likely because instead of shaming myself I try to accept the error and learn from it.

This not shaming myself doesn’t work everyday though.

Show threadEsterDaniel YtterbrinkAug 12, 2023
@jnfrd @RosaCtrl Ah, I think my point was to separate the acceptance and the learning. So that they don’t unravel each other. Still working those things out for myself.
Show threadjnfrd JanAug 12, 2023

@EsterDaniel @RosaCtrl can you lern while blaming yourself? I can’t. Accepting is a precondition for me.

Because regrets just make me feel bad and if I feel bad it’s hard to learn.

Show threadEsterDaniel Ytterbrink
@jnfrd @RosaCtrl I think that a lot of people try to learn while blaming themselves. Me included (at least sometimes). But yes, you are right. And I have this thing for wanting important steps to be explicit if they are easy to miss. So my checklist to remember would be
1. F*ck *p
2. Understand the situation
3. Accept the situation
4. Do the emotions (like grief and anger)
(Iterate 2-4 if needed)
5. Try to fix things and/or learn something if applicable
Aug 12, 2023 at 2:03pmMastodon for iOS
Show threadjnfrd JanAug 12, 2023

@EsterDaniel @RosaCtrl well. It sounds easy but it isn’t.

Also being 49 helps. Actually. ;)

Show threadEsterDaniel YtterbrinkAug 12, 2023
@jnfrd @RosaCtrl making a checklist does not make it easy, but perhaps easier. And yes, aging is underrated.