If any #trans or #enby folxs out there had stories to share about your egg cracking ,(figuring out your gender) especially if it was a long or drawn out process id love to hear them.
(Had a day if going back and forth about whether or not im deluding myself in even trying. The versions of yall in my head were very good at dissuading me of that notion with kindness)
(Remember privacy settings if you need to, and boost if youd like).
1/ Personally I can't say I ever "knew" from a young age. I didn't. I knew I was different. I was a tomboy. I liked to play with boys. I liked the games they played better than the games girls played.
When we all entered elementary school and play became more segregated, I was lost. When boys chased girls, I didn't run but also didn't chase. I tried to run the boys off. Didn't know who to hang out with so I was mostly alone.
It stayed that way until my preteen years when things started to change again. Lines between hangout groups became less divided by gender. I found the nerds, the drama kids, the outcasts. The people who would later realize they were nuerodivergent, queer or both.
@EverBeyondReach 2/ By high school I knew I was bi. In my mid 20's I started experimenting with BDSM and polyamory.
I still didn't really see myself as anything other than a woman tho. I was bad at being a woman. I have PCOS so I had too much facial hair, too many zits. I wasn't patient enough for most feminine costumery. I liked the color play in makeup but not the texture or the time consuming process of putting it on. I was overweight which meant most pretty things weren't going to fit me. I was depressed. I didn't know how to be an adult, an employee, a partner, much less a wife. I thought I wanted kids but I think now I was trying to find something to make me feel competent. It's probably a very good thing I never had them.
@EverBeyondReach
3/ So there I was, fumbling around, trying to figure out how to survive. I made a lot of mistakes and to be fair, not all of my troubles were gender related. A good chunk of them definitely had to do with gender dysphoria but I didn't see it at the time and I was also struggling with living overseas, a failing marriage, trying to finish college, and undiagnosed AuDHD.
I had a lot on my plate.
So gender questing wasn't on my radar, except as it related to others, until I read somebody else's story online in my early 30's. They IDed as non-binary and what they shared about their childhood resonated with me. I wondered. Was I non binary? It was a passing idea that kept echoing back in the following years.
4/ I listened to trans people, to enbies online. I had one friend come out irl and she began her transition while in jail. I tried to be supportive but I was mostly just confused. I remember wondering how likely she would be to find other women who wanted to date a trans woman.
Fortunately, I mostly kept those thoughts to myself. I read. I listened. I learned. I approached the idea of trans people the same way I was taught to approach people of color or from another culture. Eyes/ears/mind open. Mouth shut.
By 35, I had personally decided I was non binary but I didn't really know what to do with that. I changed my hair from long to short, then asymmetrical. I thought about they pronouns but it felt like too much work. Same with a name change.
5/ Seeing/Hearing from other transmen is when things finally began to click for me. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to think like them, not discarding what I have learned from presenting as a woman most of my life but not trying to fit the femme mold anymore. Being a feminist but as an advocate for women instead of as a woman myself. I didn't enjoy the woman lite spaces commonly shaped around the enby community.
I started dressing and presenting masc at 38 and the more I did it, the less I wanted to be anything else. There were moments of euphoria when I was perceived as a man or doing guy things but mostly I just felt so much better not pretending to be a woman.
6/ At 39, I started T and began using another name with close friends/family. I am still on low dose T today.
Not everything about being a guy is my favorite. I shave regularly bc I don't like facial hair. I have mixed feelings about binding. It's a necessary evil. I think trans masc non binary fits just a hair better than transman but I have no doubt things will continue to change as I continue this gender journey. That's ok. I personally am not so invested in a destination as I am in exploring what works and makes me feel more at ease in my skin. I want top surgery for instance but bottom growth is meh to me. I enjoy the way T makes me feel and my brain is so much happier this way but I still have feminine interests.
That's ok. I am just fine taking the rest of my life to figure this out.
You can too, if you want.
Estel
Lifelong Weirdo