Oh man, my first real crush on a guy was a former co-worker of mine. We were in different departments but our work overlapped occasionally, and we started having lunch pretty regularly. Our sexualities never came up directly, but I eventually pieced together that he was gay, and I thought I’d made enough references about myself that he’d figured it out. I really wanted to ask him out, but didn’t want to “shit where I ate”, so I resisted…until he mentioned he was sending out resumes to work somewhere else.

He ended up inviting me to his birthday bash at a bar below his apartment, and I decided that was the night I’d ask (totally blew off a friend and a good concert that night, ugh). Everything wrapped up, and I offered to help bring his gifts up to his place, and once we were upstairs I asked if he’d like to go out sometime. He said yeah, he and his friends were doing something later that week. “Oh, I meant like a date. But it’s totally cool if you’re not interested!”

I swear his face turned into a spinning “loading” icon.

“Wait, are you gay??” “Yes! Sorry, I guess I wasn’t clear about it.” “Didn’t you tell me you thought Natalie Dormer’s hot?” “I did, and I might ‘go straight’ for her if I ever had the opportunity, but no. Definitely gay.”

Once the shock wore off and we had a laugh, he did agree to a date. I spent the rest of the weekend on cloud nine, until he texted me on Sunday saying he felt a little uncomfortable with the idea, at least while we were still working together. I was disappointed, but told him I understood. We continued to hang during and after work a few times, a bit awkwardly at first because I was worried about making him more uncomfortable, but the feeling passed.

A few weeks later, he told me he was moving across the country, and I was absolutely heartbroken. Full-on sobbing meltdowns, I was barely eating, listening to sappy music on hours-long runs around my apartment in the middle of the night, completely pathetic and unhinged. We did keep in touch for a few years after the move, and I eventually pulled myself together, got into the dating scene proper, and met my now husband.

While that first crush was wild and some of the worst mental anguish I’ve experienced, it definitely helped me grow and learn to focus on what I can change and accept what I can’t. I wasn’t mature enough at all for a relationship at that time anyway; I was still figuring out my own identity in multiple ways, and I was so emotionally consumed by him that I either would’ve centered my whole life around him to an unhealthy degree, or he would’ve lost interest since I’d have stopped developing my own personality. So, I’m glad things ended up how they did, and I’ll always think of him as my first crush. I don’t think he’ll ever know how much of an effect he’s had on me, but I wish him well for it.

While that first crush was wild and some of the worst mental anguish I’ve experienced, it definitely helped me grow and learn to focus on what I can change and accept what I can’t. I wasn’t mature enough at all for a relationship at that time anyway; I was still figuring out my own identity in multiple ways, and I was so emotionally consumed by him that I either would’ve centered my whole life around him to an unhealthy degree, or he would’ve lost interest since I’d have stopped developing my own personality.

This is me right now. For a straight guy, no less. And I have had this happen a few times already and it feels like I just never learn. I can´t imagine I will ever get over this guy, but if I do, I will eventually fall stupidly over some other guy and go through the motions all over again. I feel like there is no learning.

You say “it helped me grow and learn to focus on what I can change and accept what I can’t”. That is very stoic and I know that rationally, but then emotions get into the mix and reason goes out the window.

This hits close for me in a slightly different way.

I kept up with very few high school friends past college, but one was my best friend who, to my knowledge, is straight. We regularly exchanged messages, and even though we were geographically challenged (he moves around the country/world a lot), I fell harder for him year after year.

About 18 months ago (14 years we graduated from HS) I finally expressed my feelings, shortly after we got together in our hometown for the first time in a while. I received no response and haven’t heard from him since. He’s not homophobic and the worst I expected was some temporary awkwardness, so I was totally unprepared for that.

While the crush has mostly worn off because of this, I’m still devastated that I seem to have lost my longest and best friend. So mine isn’t so much a story about one who got away as it is being spurned by one I trusted. I’m a bit bitter right now but I do hope to reconnect with him some day.