Mastodawn

MadgePickles Jul 28, 2023

Thoughts on why small talk is so uniquely painful

https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/1170137

Thoughts on why small talk is so uniquely painful - Divisions by zero

Image text: @agnieszkasshoes: “Part of what makes small talk so utterly debilitating for many of us who are neurodivergent is that having to smile and lie in answer to questions like, “how are you?” is exhausting to do even once, and society makes us do it countless times a day.” @LuckyHarmsGG: “It’s not just the lie, it’s the energy it takes to suppress the impulse to answer honestly, analyze whether the other person wants the truth, realize they almost certainly don’t, and then have to make the DECISION to lie, every single time. Over and over. Decision fatigue is real” @agnieszkasshoes: “Yes! The constant calculations are utterly exhausting - and all under the pressure of knowing that if you get it “wrong” you will be judged for it!” My addition: For me, in addition to this, more specifically it’s the energy to pull up that info and analyze how I am. Like I don’t know the answer to that question and that’s why it’s so annoying. Now I need to analyze my day, decide what parts mean what to me and weigh the average basically, and then decide if that’s appropriate to share/if the person really wants to hear the truth of that, then pull up my files of pre-prepared phrases for the question that fits most closely with the truth since not answering truthfully is close to impossible for me. https://www.instagram.com/p/CvPSP-2xU4h/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== [https://www.instagram.com/p/CvPSP-2xU4h/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==]

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JesterRaiin Jul 28, 2023

I believe that part of the problem - at least in my case - is that typical person immediately sees 3-4 possible generic answers to such questions.

For me… It’s like opening Pandora Box and have the brain flooded with not answers but long chains of interactions, where none leads to anything positive. A “simple” question is like like an abyss that’s gonna suck you down and exhaust you while you’re trying to escape it so much, that you feel like lying down and trying to remember that air is meant to be inhaled again after it’s exhaled…

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TeamAssimilation Jul 28, 2023

The “typical” person doesn’t see 3 or 4 answers, they have prepared a few generic answers to those small questions, and anyone can do that. Unless you’re really feeling different, and have enough intimacy with the asker to be honest, it’s just a game of tic-tac-toe that anyone can learn.

How are you doing? Fine, how’s life treating you?

Nice weather, eh? I’ve had better.

Etc.

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snooggums Jul 28, 2023

The “typical” person doesn’t see 3 or 4 answers, they have prepared a few generic answers to those small questions, and anyone can do that.

Having a few generic answers is the same thing meant by "seeing 3 or 4 answers".

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TeamAssimilation Jul 28, 2023

Then it isn’t that hard to do, right? There’s no innate talent to it, just plain memorization.

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snooggums Jul 28, 2023

For some people it is hard to do. I have ADHD and it is tiring because I have to actively focus on not jusy being honest, but apparently not as much as someone who is autistic.

Saying 'why do some people find my effortless things take a lot of effort' over and over is the same thing as telling them they are wrong for telling you it takes them effort.

It isn't hard to listen to people, is it?

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TeamAssimilation

I used to struggle a lot with small talk too, and dialogue in general (used to be too literal), that’s why I can relate to some of the answers here. I speak not from prejudice, but from my own experience.

That same experience has taught me that not thinking like the rest is not necessarily the same as being neurodivergent, but having developed different skills as you grew up. If willing, everyone can learn a skill they find lacking at least to a beginner level.