That Frisian Girl-ish#MoodPost and #trans reflection about #OldSelf
Song: "Blood-Diamond (See him running)" by Project Pitchfork
[...]"See him running in the dark
He flees from the yearning in his heart
He runs from the feeling in the flood
Everything he touches turns into blood
See him running in the dark
A magical melody spears his heart
From his eyes are falling tears
What was he doing all these years?
Feel him running in your heart
He likes to keep two worlds apart
He runs from the feeling in the flood
Everything he touches turns into blood"
I've seen fem-aligned trans people post about how they're grateful to their old self, how "he" kept them safe until their egg cracked, made their old life survivable.
I can't relate. My old self was a zombie shambling through my life. He was a society-build golem, fuelled by the wrong hormone. He was a parasite, taking my dreams, mangling them, aping them, destroying them. He was not strong. He did not save me. He was my jail guard.
I now am a thousand times stronger, and I had and have to spend a lot of my strength on salvaging and rebuilding the damage he did to my life, experiencing as much as I can of what he starved me of. He did damage to people I hold dear, and nearly lost. He associated with people that I had to lose over the course of my transition. He drove us both to the verge of collapse after his incompetence cost me my greatest life dream.
The passing from him to me was not a gentle handover from a tired old protector to a fragile princess finally come of age, it was a bloody revolution against a tyrant by the rightful queen breaking her chains.
https://youtu.be/Hu8N282i82c
Song: "Blood-Diamond (See him running)" by Project Pitchfork
[...]"See him running in the dark
He flees from the yearning in his heart
He runs from the feeling in the flood
Everything he touches turns into blood
See him running in the dark
A magical melody spears his heart
From his eyes are falling tears
What was he doing all these years?
Feel him running in your heart
He likes to keep two worlds apart
He runs from the feeling in the flood
Everything he touches turns into blood"
I've seen fem-aligned trans people post about how they're grateful to their old self, how "he" kept them safe until their egg cracked, made their old life survivable.
I can't relate. My old self was a zombie shambling through my life. He was a society-build golem, fuelled by the wrong hormone. He was a parasite, taking my dreams, mangling them, aping them, destroying them. He was not strong. He did not save me. He was my jail guard.
I now am a thousand times stronger, and I had and have to spend a lot of my strength on salvaging and rebuilding the damage he did to my life, experiencing as much as I can of what he starved me of. He did damage to people I hold dear, and nearly lost. He associated with people that I had to lose over the course of my transition. He drove us both to the verge of collapse after his incompetence cost me my greatest life dream.
The passing from him to me was not a gentle handover from a tired old protector to a fragile princess finally come of age, it was a bloody revolution against a tyrant by the rightful queen breaking her chains.
https://youtu.be/Hu8N282i82c
SleepyCatten (Barely Surviving Arc)