Erin Fulmer

On unsolicited advice: if it’s unclear what a person needs from you, consider asking.

Ask yourself first. Are they venting & need validation? Is your advice or opinion called for?

If unsure & advice is burning a hole in your mental pocket, seek their consent.

Most direct: “Would advice be helpful right now?”

Open ended: “How can I help?”

Less direct/low pressure: “I have thoughts on possible solutions, if that’s something you’re looking for.”

Accept no for an answer (no answer means no).

Dec 10, 2022 at 7:13pmWeb
Show threadErin FulmerDec 10, 2022

Note: this is sourced from my own experience of both being the annoyed recipient of unsolicited advice AND the annoying adviser.

The latter is something I’m working on changing. I use the just ask technique with my spouse all the time when he is describing a problem and I have Ideas. (I always have Ideas.)

Giving the other person an opportunity to consider what they need and consent to suggestions changes the dynamic of the conversation from talking at to talking with.

Show threadErin FulmerDec 10, 2022

Sometimes he says he wants advice and suggestions.

Sometimes he just wants a hug.

Both are valid answers!

Show threaddingodogDec 10, 2022

@erinfulmer I'm learning that some people speak purely to communicate information. Not paying attention to every word is rude, because it says you don't care.

Other people say words but it's not the words, it's a way of emoting and finding community. Not making mouth sounds in return is rude, because it says you don't care. But those words shouldn't convey information, they should convey solidarity.

Most people are in the middle, depending on the day and hour.

Show threadLuna CorbdenDec 10, 2022
@erinfulmer Sometimes I realize that the person isn’t feeling helped but whatever I’m doing and I ask. Like I’ll say, “oh I’m trying to solve your problem aren’t I? Would you rather I just listen?” That works really well. From the receiving end, you can assert what you’re looking for. “Actually I just want to vent right now without advice if that’s ok.” Both take some effort at self-awareness and perspective taking.
Show threadIrvin LinDec 10, 2022

@erinfulmer this is such great advice. In the last few years I’ve really strived to not immediately jump in and offer advice, even though it’s my first instinct.

But sometimes folks just want to vent. Or they have already considered most angles. And my “fresh” perspective…really isn’t all that fresh. So then it ends up just being…super annoying. Which is what happens when I want to vent, and folks start giving me solutions I’ve already considered.

Show threadMontessori Space Programme 🛸Dec 11, 2022
@erinfulmer It's a weird cultural phenomenon that in some places, folks will take that kind of inquiry as an offense.
Show threadSarah: The Website TherapistDec 12, 2022
@erinfulmer @Aaidanbird I’ve found when talking to someone with a lot on their mind, it can be helpful to ask if they’d like discussion or distraction.
Show threadIrinaDec 12, 2022
@erinfulmer "How can I help" puts the onus on the person possibly needing help, so isn't as helpful as actually offering a specific thing (like "would advice be helpful" or "I have thoughts on possible solutions").
Show threadDave AhernDec 13, 2022
@erinfulmer it's taken me so long to learn this great advice.... and I still am imperfect at it. For many of us our urge to fix is strong, when sometimes listening is best....