"On 06/19/2025, we accepted a volunteer form from a guy no one had seen around Boring before, but he claimed to be very experienced with sharks. We gave him a ring and asked him to come by on the twenty-second. When he showed up for his first day of volunteer work, he ran straight for Marine Enclosure 1 while yelling 'TASTE MY FIST, YOU SELACHIAN WRETCH! FOR THE SHARK PUNCHING CENTER!'"
Honestly this article is just too good, how does it exist?