awoooooooooooooooooooooooooooofuck dude am i a bad friend for increasingly finding friendships extremely fucking stressful to maintain because every morning or maybe if i even just go offline for like 5 hours i come back to 20 discord messages from people who variously expect deep conversation or a favor or any kind of support really and i feel like it's mostly contingent on the fact that i've been good at listening and supporting for most of the past but it's so. fucking. hard. to do that now. SO. FUCKING. HARD
it sounds like a really dickish thing to say but i really feel like a ton of people feel like they're entitled to my time and to my listening and i know almost none of my friends believe so quite to that extent much less consciously but it's the only thing that i can think of when i come back to 10 messages from the same person trying again and again and again and again to get my attention and i don't know why it has to be me??? am i really that essential to your well-being??? i hope not???
and i feel like a fat lot of them also apparently think that i'm at least relatively mentally stable because apparently that's the impression that internet clout and making cool art and shit gives off but it's like, no dude, i fall into severe suicidal ideation at least one or two times a week and for the past two-ish years i've grappled with constant post-traumatic stress and anxiety and i can NOT be the person to act in the capacity that you apparently need in a good friend
like just to outline how unreasonable and bad i feel for being so unavailable/wanting to be so unavailable there was this, like, 14y/o kid on twitter who came to me asking for advice for how to find friends online and also trying to figure out whether he was actually gay or not and i felt sympathetic because i know how isolated one can feel as a young gay kid on the internet so i was like "yeah totally come to me for advice and shit i'm your friend" and suddenly i started having to
beans