CW: Childhood sexual abuse, no details

https://janetannelogan.wordpress.com/2023/10/21/hang-on-this-will-get-a-bit-heavy/

#childhoodSexualAbuse
#guilt
#maleDoctors

When I was maybe 13, I had to get a “physical” exam because I was going to play middle school football. Right. Still masking, so ultra masculine activity. Anyway, I was referred, by a coach, to an older pediatrician that the team used regularly for said physicals.

CW: Childhood Sexual Abuse, No Details

I was incredibly naive at that age, and this was my first time getting a “physical”, so I wasn’t really sure what to expect. It began like most doctor appointments I’d had up to that time. Admittedly, I hadn’t had many, because we were poor, living on my mother’s bank clerk income, and I was relatively healthy at that point. But as the “exam” progressed, I became increasingly discomforted by what was happening.

Remember, I was a naive young teen. I kept my mouth shut, and let him touch me wherever he said was necessary. It was over fairly quickly, but I was very uncomfortable by that time. I didn’t say anything about it, to anyone. To this day I’ve told maybe 3 people ever, and no one in my family. I’ve let what happened fester.

Several years later, while I was away at college, it came to my attention that said doctor had been arrested, prosecuted, and jailed for a number of similar allegations by many teen boys. In some ways, I felt very guilty for not having said anything, and honestly, still do. My only excuse is that I really didn’t have anyone with whom I would have felt safe revealing such a thing.

I am highly suspicious of male doctors as a result. I have had a strong preference for female doctors, particularly GP, and have only recently had a male PCP. I was referred by a close female friend who also saw him. And I’m comfortable with him. I’ve mentioned him recently, in reference to my fun with dose one of the Shingrix vaccine. He’s much younger than me, and I’m no longer a naive young teen “male”. But I didn’t feel comfortable sharing this with him either.

Today, online, I read something (from a cis woman) about the way she was treated by male doctors (during childbirth), and how she avoids male doctors as a result. Suddenly my feelings about that day came to a bubble. I honestly hadn’t thought about it in years. And these days, I journal about such things as an outlet for feelings that are troubling me. Is it healthy for me to be so open and public about my feelings? I don’t know, I’m not a therapist. But it seems to work for me.

So that’s the story, and if you read this far, you may choose to comment, or not. As I said, this is mostly just to get this out of my head tonight.

Blessed be. So mote it be.

https://janetannelogan.wordpress.com/2023/10/21/hang-on-this-will-get-a-bit-heavy/

#childhoodSexualAbuse #guilt #maleDoctors