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Professional MoronCement Mixer to Let: Ultra-Modernised Rotating Studio 🧱
Real Estate Bastards Enterprises Ltd. is giddy as all hell to reveal the Slurry Studio, located at 301 on Gray Matter Manor in Bolton of Greater Manchester.
Viewings are available immediately, but MOVE FAST! This £3,001 p/m zero mod cons property won’t be on the market for long. It HAS to be seen to be believed. Please note: No Star Trek (Trekkies) fanboys and/or Star Wars fanatics are allowed viewings as we DETEST pathetic, wastrel geeks like you. GET A LIFE.
A Whirlwind of Living in The Slurry Studio
- £3,001 p/m
- NO PETS
- NO BILLS INCLUDED
- £10,000 DEPOSIT
- 360° degree living
- Dynamic floor plan that moves you
- Minimalist design
- A bit like a hammock, but not
- Low carbon footprint living
- Ideal for construction site workers
If you’re a big hairy construction site worker, you’ll just LOVE this cement mixer. It’s minimalist living at its finest. No nonsense, says it how it is, you just climb into the spinning bowl and you’re all set for a good night of kip.
Once you turn the contraption on*, that’s when the Slurry Studio takes on a life of its own.
Part soothing massage, part G-force centrifugal training session, the Slurry Studio is compact living done right. Located in a random side street in Bolton, the cement mixer is only a 24 minute walk from the train station, with a strong possibility you’ll probably get mugged on your way there to kickstart your day.
Also, to be clear, no free bags of cement are included with this property.
*Please note: Our estate agent, and the landlord, waive all legal responsibility for the inevitable dizziness induced by this property. Motion sickness may also be another issue, as well an overwhelming desire to spend no time in the property. The deposit is not refundable and
A Note From The Slurry Studio’s Previous Tenant
Most tenants only stay in the Slurry Studio for a few months before moving out (we can’t work out why, though). Some of them mysteriously die before being able to leave tenant feedback, but one survivor below was eager to pen his delighted thoughts to us.
“DONT. DONT LIVE HEAR. the slurry studio ruined my life. i moved in in the summer of 2025 and shit a brick i dint now what i where letting meself in for. first night when the spinning kicked in and cement were getting all over me and i was breathing in cement fumes, spinning around (like that kylie song) and i got dizzy, chucked up quite a bit and what done and did had a bangin headache by 5am. it we’re so bad i immediately handed in me tenancy end notice and know led a happy life homeless. its preferable to that BASTARD cement mixer”
Please note, this former tenant published his review across various online review platforms. We’ve since realised this is negative feedback and have begun a violent retribution campaign against him. We’re suing him for:
- Defamation
- Slander
- Harassment
- Gross misconduct
- Arson
- Gross indecency
- War crimes
- Crimes against humanity
- Being a prick
Real Estate Bastards Enterprises Ltd. doesn’t take negative feedback lightly. You have been warned.
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