Over a decade ago, I got stuck into a keto diet at my doctor's recommendation, with weekly check-ins with him. I made videos that I posted to YouTube, I listened to a fantastic podcast that taught me a lot about losing weight in a healthy way, and the importance of weight training and lean muscle.
I *know* how to lose weight. I lost weight, and got down to 108kg (238lbs). That was less than I weighed in high school. I'd started at 174.8kg (385lbs).
Yet when I looked in the mirror, I couldn't see a difference.
Not long after hitting that weight, I hurt my back badly while we were moving house, with the end result being that I put on 32kgs, and my weight hovered around 140kg (309lbs) for many years.
The problem is that eating has always been my main coping mechanism. In that same period of time, I was trying to come to terms with my #GenderDysphoria, and find a cure for it. I used food (and for a long time, alcohol) to numb the pain. My weight crept back up until I hit a plateau of around 160-165kg (353-364lbs).
When I had the breakdown in 2020, I lost a whole lot of weight dropping back down to just under 140kg for six months because I just wasn't eating, and the meds weren't helping, until Duloxetine, which fixed my brain within two weeks.
I also gained 20kgs (44lbs) in 4 months(!), which brought me back to that 160-165kg plateau.
It's hard on my body to carry that much weight, particularly on my heart (hello high blood pressure!) but above all else, that fat is distributed in an explicitly male-coded way, which is a huge #GenderDysphoria trigger for me.
It also means that I can't buy or wear any cute clothes that I like, because they don't fit properly, which becomes a vicious dysphoria circle.
#HRT should cause some fat redistribution over time, with my body becoming more female shaped, but there are no guarantees for how that will turn out, if at all.
That moment when I looked in the mirror and I couldn't see any difference in my body between my start weight and 108kgs? That was retroactively diagnosed as body dysmorphia by my psychologist (on top of the gender dysphoria, yay!).
My "eating-to-cope" is not just a coping mechanism. It's Binge Eating Disorder. Again, that was a formal diagnosis.
These are both things I'm working on with my psychologist.
Please understand that my reasons for losing weight and not ones I'm willing to debate. I understand fat acceptance, and HAES (Health At Every Size), but this is a deep and complex issue for me.
If this is the kind of thing you find triggering, please don't read it. Please mute it.
#Project365 #2024Project #2024HealthProject #LessAllie2024
Ali