“I wouldn’t touch that with a 10-foot pole!”

–Me, describing an object that is more than 20 feet out of reach



#IHaveAWayWithWords

“How much do you get on the DL?”

–Me, asking my colleague Sean about his download speed, immediately before having another hour-long meeting with HR



#IHaveAWayWithWords

“I’m just tired of all the bullshit.”

–Me, giving notice to my boss, Carl, that I’m quitting my job as a rodeo janitor



#IHaveAWayWithWords

“Mo Money, Mo Problems.”

–Me, introducing my colleague Maurice Money to our new recruit, Maureen Problems



#IHaveAWayWithWords

"I'm pouring one out for my departed friends.”

–Me, using a watering can to water Maurice and Linda's plants while they're away



#IHaveAWayWithWords

"Don't put the cart before the horse."

–Me, explaining the grocery store's policy on animals


#IHaveAWayWithWords

“He’s her friend with benefits.”

–Me at a party, pointing out Marianne (a contractor) talking with her colleague Tomás (a salaried employee)



#IHaveAWayWithWords

"He has something of a God complex."

–Me, describing Rick, who runs a mega-church with a 120-acre main campus that sports a multitude of facilities



#IHaveAWayWithWords

"These are the nosebleed seats.”

–Me, showing the police the chairs where Dom landed when he got punched in the face



#IHaveAWayWithWords