Mastodawn

charlie mcintosh

@zappaszep

0 Followers

88 Following

259 Posts

My favourite superpowers:

* Time travel
* Invisibility
* Teleportation
* Common sense

seems like there’s got to be a better way to let them know

at the claw machine and i am no longer settling for plushies

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

me: sorry but i can't sign this NDA

them: why not?

me: i signed an NDA that prevents me from signing NDAs.

them: wow. with whom?

me: i'm not allowed to say

9: did you ever name one of your cats
Screensaver?

Me: no and now l'm questioning all of my life choices

"Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

“This house has great bones,” I moan, seductively running my fingers along the building’s skeleton.

[office]

ME: do you think Kevin Bacon refers to his nipples as his bacon bits
BOSS: how do I keep forgetting to fire you

NEXT TIME I’LL MAKE SURE I DON’T FALL ASLEEP ON THE BEACH.