I need to make a new account; I love this instance but it’s closed to new accounts right now...
failing to embrace liminality
| pronouns | I don’t know anymore / any |
| aspect | void |
| power tubes | 6V6 |
the sunshine girl is sleeping
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Murder on the DurderfurderGodspeed you! Merry gentlemen
cool, yesterday at 2:11pm I complained about potential drug withdrawal.
ok so today at 3:19pm I am complaining about what is definitely drug withdrawals.
I didn’t have withdrawals over the weekend ... I only seem to get them at work ... I don’t want to go back up
doing this cool thing where I’m discontinuing a drug I’m addicted to so that when I dissociate I don’t know if it’s withdrawal, the underlying condition it was treating returning, something gender-related, or other
saw my therapist. I had too many things to tell her so ... I still don’t know what to do like ... next ... or even this second
IDEK if seeing her helped. I already feel extremely powerful and nothing we talked about will help me with any Acute Problems. But I will need her more and more in the future.
what the hell do I tell my therapist tomorrow
“here are eight things that happened in the past 29 months since I last saw you: breakup, enabling cheating, developing chronic pain, losing my job, developing a drug addiction, getting a pain treatment that removed my ability to do gig economy work, applying for over 200 jobs before getting one working exclusively with bigots, then enabling another cheater.”
“also I’m a girl”
Also my zendō has a queer meditation group on Saturdays that I asked her about. She said that for the most part it is completely different people?
And there is very little discussion. Just sitting.
And there is very little discussion. Just sitting.
After all of everything when everyone else was gone I came out to her. It might have been too early for me, emotionally, to do so, but I wanted her to know that if I leave early it’s because I’m panicking.
But also I feel like I’m less likely to panic if I know someone is in the room who knows I’m a girl, and knows I’m valid, and is on my side.
I attended zazen and was mostly fine. I mean. I didn’t really meditate. But zazen is not just meditation and it doesn’t need to always include meditation. Breathing is difficult for me. Fortunately in Zen it isn’t required to breath in any particular way.
Before the second zazen session our priestess said something like “remember that in spite of whatever happened to you this week, we’re coming to the cushion with devotion and sincerity” and I almost cried.
Sincerity!
I will be exercising courage and attending anyway tomorrow. I’m terrified. I’m terrified often, recently.