We're TheEmptyPress, AKA "The Old Dark Lady". We write worthless, satirical garbage. Also, we're not an AI, we're just bad at what we do.
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To the Americans wondering if Canadians know that Jesse Marsch is from the States: We do. You see, we're not Americans.
“I turn on the TV to watch some good Canadian boys beat up those commies from Beefstew and Hamburger, and what do I see?!”
https://theemptypress.com/don-cherry-condemns-canmnt-for-playing-on-green-ice/
#FIFAWorldCup #CANBIH #Football #Soccer #DonCherry #Hockey #NHL #CanMNT
TORONTO – Following an exciting opening match that saw the Canadian Men’s National Soccer Team earn its first-ever point at the FIFA World Cup, retired hockey commentator Don Cherry condemned the team for playing the game on green ice. “I’m steamed!” bellowed the former Hershey Bear to staff at a Leslieville Starbucks. “I hear there’s […]
...because, if there was one thing Northern Ireland was famous for, it was a lack of violence.
Wherein our protagonist has higher standards for a coach than he does for a POTUS.
"Math is the same in English and French"
https://theemptypress.com/canada-without-governor-general-after-arbour-fails-skill-testing-question/
OTTAWA – The office of Governor General went unfilled today after Louise Arbour failed the necessary skill-testing questioning. As per protocol, the swearing-in ceremony for the King’s representative in Canada required Prime Minister Mark Carney’s appointee to solve a simple equation. However, Ms. Arbour answered “What is the result of 5 + 3 × 6?” […]
“I always knew he had it in him"
https://theemptypress.com/toenail-clipping-completes-record-setting-transatlantic-journey/
ST. JOHN’S – Chatter in local pubs, today, appears to be centred around a nail-piece from the big toe of Aaron Walsh, which travelled across the North Atlantic Ocean in an awe-inspiring 34.25 seconds. “I always knew he had it in him,” said Mr. Walsh about his courageous keratin. “He’s always been a stubborn bugger, […]
Y'all are calling for Netanyahu to be arrested while Wyna Liu is happily walking among us.
Etude, Brute?