Aquarius: The voices in your head are telling you to kill... no. Wait. Eat. They're telling you to eat. Pudding. Lots and lots of pudding. THEN kill.

Capricorn: Your quantum physics experiments yield surprising fruit. As in they spontaneously create fruit. Kumquats, as a matter of fact.

Scorpio: You will be hailed as a conquering hero today when you successfully kill that spider in the bathroom.

Libra: Your coup attempt will succeed mostly because nobody else is stupid enough to want to run the country.

Sagittarius: The really weird thing about today will be just how little blood spatter there is.

Virgo: In a surprise twist your Pokemon will kill you and create a collective work farm run by Grumpigs.

Leo: Today you will find a well in a darkened wood haunted by a murderous spirit named Sal. He's lonely. And murderous. Really can't overstate the murder part.

Cancer: I can tell you for a fact that today you will not explode. Nope. No explosions. Not a one. That would be detonation. The correct term here is deflagration.

Gemini: Today, you and 500,000 people scattered around the globe will break into a spontaneous rendition of "Ya Got Trouble" from The Music Man at 11:47pm GMT, thus heralding the apocalypse.

Taurus: After years of hard, back-breaking work you will find that all you've done is tunnel into another cell on the block.