John-Paul Keates

@jpkeates
1,023 Followers
1.5K Following
4.2K Posts

Retired
My posts are almost entirely jokes and terrible puns.

I'm a 64 year old, straight white male. So my experiences of racism and sexism have been largely positive.

Profile Image description - A bearded man in a room looks into the camera. He has a face best suited to a text description.

LocationWest Midlands, UK
Born1961
StatusDamaged, but functional.
John-Paul Keates19h ago

"Load up on guns, bring your friends." Kurt Cobain.

"Equip yourself with handguns and other weaponry, your acquaintances and those close to you can accompany us." Prolix Cobain

#LunchPun

John-Paul Keates1d ago

I like my men like I like my coffee.
Usually drunk in the morning.

#LunchPun

John-Paul Keates1d ago

Tea Clippers were specialist sailing ships designed to transport tea at high speeds.

They were needed because if the milk tankers arrived before the tea transports, many of the British rioted.

John-Paul Keates2d ago

Found my notes on the doctor’s desk before he came in - apparantly I'm a kleptomaniac with high blood pressure. Took that with a pinch of salt.

#LunchPun

John-Paul Keates2d ago

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Transcription - Drugs for gender reassignment.

John-Paul Keates3d ago

When you grew up using Windows-based computers, you believe that the movie "F1" is a remake of "Help!".

#LunchPun

John-Paul Keates4d ago
People who live in glass houses are almost certainly engaged in a corrupt relationship with the local planning department.
John-Paul Keates6d ago

Shakespeare was originally going to serve as a ship's boy for Drake's circumnavigation of the globe in 1577. He went even though it upset his parents who wanted him to help with a big party they had planned.

But a bard on the Hind is worth ruining a bash.

#LunchPun

John-Paul KeatesMar 26

In Australia, Pineapple Upside Down Cake is just Pineapple Cake.

Due to the corialananas effect.

John-Paul KeatesMar 26
Well played Guardian Quiz, well played for the answers!