It turns out wheezing, gnarled tunnels that appear suddenly in a basement aren't always fun to crawl through.

My favorite scene in the new Jurassic Park movie is when the dinosaurs learn to high-five, and then the comedy relief guy tries to high-five the brontosaurus and he gets smushed.

Please hire me to be your town sorcerer. I can rearrange fallen leaves into spirals with semi-successful ombre effects. I can fill cracks in the sidewalk with glue and glitter. I can tell townspeople where I last saw a squirrel. I can whisper fairly genuine compliments to the wind.

Good things are coming to me. I am attracting success into my life. I am channeling an abundance mindset. Tiny marionettes with beetle faces are dancing an eldritch jig on my head. Jack-in-the-boxes are bursting from the earth, biting me, injecting me with their venom. I can hear colossal shadow puppets chewing at the moon.

They say to do something every day that scares you, so I'm finally going to watch that bioluminescent VHS tape that oozed out of the basement wall.

Printers that are possessed by chthonic fiends are much more likely to actually print your document than a regular printer.

Amusement park hack: if you find a piece of popcorn shaped like a human head, you can feed it to the tardigrade animatronic and receive a free ticket to the extremely haunted catacombs under the park.

Amusement park hack: if you present the pickle man with the mystery token, you can go on the secret, underground boat ride where large animatronic beetles act out scenes from your life.