She’s waiting on the ADHD diagnosis until after the sleep apnea is treated because she said they can show up with similar symptoms but that she’s sure I’m exhibiting all the signs of depression. I mean, I’m sure too at this point? Just not sure if the treatments will interfere with each other.

I’ll ask my PCP tomorrow.

18/18

#perimenopause #menopause

I will 100% go on antidepressants if the combination of HRT, CPAP, and treatment for anxiety don’t work out.

Or… should I even wait? The psychiatrist was ready to write a prescription for treating the depression at my last meeting, and I had wanted to wait until the HRT was more stable. But maybe that’s a dumb mistake????

17/

#perimenopause #menopause

They don’t know if they get depressed me who doesn’t get out of bed, or sad me who might burst into tears at any moment, or angry me that suddenly snaps, or mostly normal me. The not knowing is horrible, the outcomes are worse.

I just want to be better so I can love them properly again, and love myself properly again.

16/

#perimenopause #menopause

The only thing I want to be tired of are how hard it is to get in touch with the right medical help and the only thing I want to be mad about is how peri sucks. I don’t want to be tired of my life or mad at people I love.

I didn’t like and didn’t recognize the person who got so angry so quickly about nothing. I didn’t know why my heart was racing over… nothing. I felt so prickly and rage-filled yet dead inside.

I am a nightmare for my family to live with.

15/

#perimenopause #menopause

Because every time I tried to empty my mind, a negative memory would pop in and take root.

The only ones I could do were ones that asked me to focus on specific tasks, like focus on progressively relaxing muscles in my body, because I was keeping my brain busy with _something_ and not nothing.

Anyway, peri made this much fucking worse.

So I’m dealing with it with HRT and seeking both talk therapy & medicine-assisted help.

14/

#perimenopause #menopause

And I’m not doing this on purpose. I will intentionally not want to dwell on those negative things.

And I’ll be aware that every time a memory is brought back up, it warps and changes. But I am not able to control it.

I keep my brain filled with activity because I can’t keep the negative thoughts at bay, I can’t keep my brain from obsessing over the details.

I think that’s why I always hated meditation.

13/

#perimenopause #menopause

That memory will be brought out from storage and examined from all the different angles I can look at it. My brain will dredge up the emotions of that negative moment, will look at alternate endings, like a movie like Ground Hog Day where it’s trying to fix that moment in time by doing different things. What if I had done this, what if someone else had done that. What if, what if.

What lesson can I learn to avoid this in the future?

12/

#perimenopause #menopause

For me, when I’m not mentally busy with something, like solving puzzles, talking to a friend, watching tv, reading a book, listening to a podcast, basically anything, the default, consistent thing that happens in my brain is…

A random negative memory, sentence, feeling, whatever will pop into my head. It doesn’t matter if it was recent or a very, very long time ago.

11/

#perimenopause #menopause