you’re funny. who’s on your team of writers

i want my friends to remember me fondly. and my enemies to remember me as The Creature

sorry i can’t hang out. i’ll be biting the hand that feeds me later

i’m a big fish in a small pond because i keep eating the smaller fish

you can lead a horse to water but you can’t turn water into wine

i’m just like everyone else. i put my cowboy hat on 1 head at a time

you see, a smartphone happens when 2 computers love each other very much

sorry for lying all this time but i’m actually a beautiful loaf of fresh bread