ME: Okayyyyy It's Monday 10:00 AM. I'm sending you 10 copies of this for the 2:00 staff meeting. I just need you to print these for me please.

PRINTER: Ok great

ME: ...

PRINTER: ...

ME: Where are the copies?

PRINTER: What copies?

ME: The copies of the document I asked you to print.

PRINTER: Error.

ME: What error?

PRINTER: It's a secret.

ME: Great ok, I'll just check your queue. Look, they're right there. Literally the first thing in the queue.

PRINTER: Error.

ME: There is no error.

PRINTER: I am taking a wellness break from the internet.

ME: No you're not, I'm reconnecting you.

PRINTER: In that case I'm just going to go have a little lie down.

ME: Nonono please don't

PRINTER: 😴💤

ME: Look please I just need these 10 copies then I swear you can do whatever you want the whole rest of the day.

PRINTER: Promise?

ME: Yes I promise.

PRINTER: Pinky swear?

ME: Yes! I Pinky swear please just print these 10 copies.

PRINTER: Best I can do is the first 3 pages of one copy

ME: That is literally worse than useless.

PRINTER: My toner is low.

ME: No it's not, I just changed it yesterday.

PRINTER: The cyan is low.

ME: You don't even need cyan this is a black and white docume— hey wait a minute you aren't even a color printer!

PRINTER: Sike I meant check my paper tray.

ME: I did. It's full.

PRINTER: Check my *other* paper tray.

ME: No. It's fine.

PRINTER: There is a paper jam.

ME: There is NOT A FUCKING PAPER J— you know what, fine. I'll just open and close the tray again. See if that fixes it.

PRINTER: Oooh yeah baby just like that.

ME: What?

PRINTER: What? Nothing.

ME: Is that better now? Can you just print the damn documents?

PRINTER: What documents?

ME: What docu— THE ONES IN YOUR QUEUE LOOK THEY'RE RIGHT THER— oh wait they're not there anymore where the hell did they go?

PRINTER: I'm going to have a little lie dow—

ME: DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING TRY TO GO TO SLEEP ON ME RIGHT NOW I'M HITTING PRINT AGAIN. TEN COPIES. RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

PRINTER: Wow cranky. Would you like me to print a test page?

ME: You know what? Sure. Print a test page.

PRINTER: Printing test page.

ME: Wh— just like that?? No need to check the toner? No phantom paper jams? You just... Print it??

PRINTER: It's what I do.

ME: What the fu—

PRINTING: Here are all 19 and a half copies of your document all at once.

ME: ...

PRINTER: Help the last page is jammed.