If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.

You are all so fucked.

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

Human beings are the only species on earth who are all a bunch of morons.

The President of the United States is insane. What about India?

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I'm just a narcissist.

A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.