Completely and utterly obsessed with #3dprinting fidgets and clickers.

Tonight’s assembly line is for red Minecraft TNT clickers for a friend’s kids.

What should I do next?

The last few weeks (months?) has been full of a whole lot of deep thinking…

It’s true that when you finally start living, like - in a safe home and with healthy relationships - you have time to unpack all the LIFE you’ve been holding in forever.

I didn’t realize how much I had been holding on. Even making steady progress towards correcting generational bullshit all these years, I’ve been really holding back due to circumstances.

I know that in healing, it gets worse before it gets better. Just when I hit that floor today - just smashed right into it, sobbing, and I thought it was never going to get better, my friend called. She listened to my sobbing, and my frustration, that no matter how much I try to learn and grow, a random 30-year old memory arising again can gut-punch me out of the safety I’ve worked so hard for. That at the same time, an undefinable emotional connection to someone new has me daydreaming again - pondering if I’m truly worthy of this life I’ve been given, and lastly, how angry I can get when I feel wounded and get confronted, about even the dumbest shit.

And my beautiful friend, who’s been in my life because years ago I decided that I was worthy of human love and experiences, and that I should intentionally pursue them - even if they make my head spin like an old-times carousel, my BEAUTIFUL friend, connected the dots on all of these things in a way that I never could. And told me I am worthy. And reminded me why I matter. And made me believe in hope again.

I am continually grateful and inspired by the wisdom of my collection of broken people that I hold so dear and call my best friends.

And I think that today, I’ve finally gone from the suffocating, heavy, mud of the “worse” in “it gets worse…,” to the part where things are about to get way better.