Regional Center meeting went well.

"We only provide support and independent services" and that I had to ask for self-determination, which they can provide if I ask for it.

I'm glad she told me this term, "Self-determination" which is what I want. I didnt know to ask for a special term that exists in their reality.

Knowing words existing in complex rule systems arent one of my talents.

I could have been a voice actress,
but my mom never let me make noises.

My speech was delayed when I was a kid,
I dont remember if I was allowed to practice what mouth shape made what sound. I remember the feeling of deep embarrassment and shame that I could not say my own real name until I was six. Got bullied and called stupid because of that.

I was not stupid.
I struggle with fine motor control I cant see.

I see my hands and I can draw articulate things.
I must look at my keyboard too.

My disability is most notable when people are in range of seeing and/or hearing me in real life.

They see me, and most see something wrong.
They hear me, and many want me to shut up, 'calm down' speak quieter, 'dont interrupt' no delay in my responses, and hear speech clearly.

I wish visible words were generally accepted as a primary form of communication for some people.

I struggle to get along with most people, because they talk too fast, have invisible languages, and they hate repeating.

I wish I was never intimidated into following my impulses...
My dad intimidated me into them.
He'd yell "Answer me now" while I was still trying to think of the nice/polite/expected response.
He never gave me the time and silence I needed to make a choice.
Obey him or else.

PTSD therapy showed me that my dad, in general, made me angry.
And then therapist was like, what about dad made me angry?
Authority.
"Authority", is the core of just about all my trauma.

I need MY choice in my time.

Why do people suddenly hate beautiful art when they found out something about the artist they didnt like?

The art doesnt change.
I dont get this.
I hate the peer pressure put on me to dislike what I like.
Grr.

I hated myself for the first 30 years of my life.. what changed? I started to do what I wanted, and questioned every behavioral rule I was ever ordered/intimidated/expected to do.

Now I'm just persistently miserable, anxious and depressed, but no more hating myself... I hate most of society's rules now.