PASSENGER X PRINCESS

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No other story ever has resonated with me as much as PASSENGER x PRINCESS does.

No other fiction character has made me feel as seen as Clover, and no other author has gotten to me as much as Lunaticker.

This game grabbed me by the guts.

DEPERSONALIZATION:DEREALIZATION

Are you actually yourself?
For the longest time, the best way I’ve had to describe this feeling is this:

Imagine you are in a pitch black, empty room. You are sitting down on one of those old, uncomfortable wooden and wicker chairs.

In front of you, at some distance, there is a tiny old CRT screen where you can just about make out what’s happening on it. The screen is also slightly tilted. Some days more than others.

This is your life.

Every day you experience everything through that screen in these conditions. This is you.

All the beauty and ugliness in life gets sort of blurred out. All the pain and pleasure dissolved into and oily mixture that turns black and thick and drowns your soul. Almost nothing quite gets to you.

You are miserable.

You are not able to leave either. You are not able to upgrade your screen. You are not able to even move closer to it. You can just sit down and watch every day/week/year unfold.
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Suddenly one day, while walking home after a party, a girl hits your head so hard she brings down the walls of the dark room, takes you out by the neck and says “Die with me”.

This is bliss.

You are here for the first time. You can feel the chilly air of the night. The moist dirt below you, the warm blood dripping down your skull, the adrenaline rushing through your system.

You aren’t given a choice, but you don’t really need one. How could you refuse? You’ve been waiting for this moment your whole life. For someone to come and save you.

“Does that scare you?” No.

LOTUS TAKES THE WHEEL

Quite literally. Your life is now in her hands.

She might be a mess, a psycho and a sadist. She might be taking you both to certain death, but she is also the first one to see you. To pull you out of that misery room and take a look at the real you. And for that, you owe her everything.
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This woman pledged to end your life but not even for a moment you think of fighting back or running away. Hell, death is a release you’ve long waited for. The thought of impending doom is the sole thing that makes you happy in this world.

She knows better. And the only thing you know is you’ve never been able to take the right choices and make anything good for yourself. That’s why you are miserable. That’s why you should be thanking her. And she reminds you of this.

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ANYTHING. YOU JUST HAVE TO BE MINE”

She helps you embrace who you truly are.

Lotus touches you, uses you and abuses you. She makes you feel like a woman. She even gives you the courage and buys you the clothes you’ve always wanted to wear but have always been too scared to.

A very real, very tangible thing I took from this game, is precisely that. Courage.
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As a transgender woman, these lines hit me like a truck (in the good way).

I, like Clover, am afraid of going out in a skirt. Around 2 years ago was the first and last time I did so; I, again like Clover, went out at night to a club. Alone. On the way there I encountered a group of men that started harassing me. Nothing serious happened and, in the end, I made it safely to the club. But the mood was ruined. For the first time ever I couldn’t get into the music and left shortly after in a taxi.

That was the last time I went out in a skirt. Until I played this game.

“But you half-ass it and it pisses me off.” This line by itself filled me with such strength that shortly after reading the novel I put on the same skirt I did two years ago and went out.

I had a great time.

I am tired of half-assing it and I won’t do it anymore to accommodate the sensibilities of a society that despises me, what I am, and everything I stand for no matter what I do.

THE EXCLUSION ZONE

After having what is easy to think as the best night in all of Clover’s life in that motel room, comes the great paradox.

You are happier than ever.

In this toxic and abusive relationship, you have found feelings, sensations and colors you never thought were real from within the dark room you were in not long ago.

The very relationship that’s brought you happiness is going to destroy your life once and for all, but now you are too dependent on it and losing it is the single biggest fear in your mind.

In the game, you reach the exclusion zone, some unexplainable stuff happens and Lotus and Clover blow up as planned.
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Except it doesn’t happen like that.

At the last moment, Clover jumps away from the bomb, and the explosion only gets Lotus.

After the events, Clover’s self mixes with Lotus’ and they both get to live happily as one in this surreal and altered reality.

As surreal as it might seem though, this reality is not too dissimilar to my own experience.

GETTING BETTER

I’ve been in this relationship. Arguably more than once.

I’ve given myself the value of an earth worm. I’ve been picked up by someone that wasn’t quite right in the head either, and I’ve been used and abused into misery and happiness.

I’ve followed the whole thing through and I’ve seen my Lotus blow up brutally turning into human paste.

Everyone that passes through your life, especially Lotus, leaves a mark. A little bit of themselves becomes you, and you become more like them.

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This is the question you get asked at the beginning of the game.

Yes, I’m happy.

After all I’ve been through and against all odds, I’ve reached a state of well being and relative normalcy that, for the longest time, didn’t seem possible even in dreams.

I’m currently living with my wife, which for the first time is someone who actually cares about me and proves it every day and is the best thing to ever happen to me.
She’s also the person I’m looking forward the most to read this post. I love you.

I have an okay job that I only hate at times.

Life’s not perfect, but I treasure it and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

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If you’ve seen yourself in this game and have lost all hope, know this:

It takes work but It does get better. And it’s better than you could’ve ever imagined.

For real, don’t kill yourself.

Thank you.

#passenger-x-princess #depersonalization #derealization #toxic-yuri #toxic-relationship #toxic-love #visual-novel #transphobia-tw