Mary Starbuck17 February
Morning everybody, happy pancake day (sounds fun, even if it doesn't work in real life).
I am feeling like I just can't today. It would be so lovely to chat but it's not happening (like something has broken).
18 February
Hello, are you having an ok day?
Late last night (just before bed) we suddenly decided to make pancakes. They were so good. I had had a good meeting with my outreach worker, which I'm so grateful for.
Today I'm getting ready for a journey. It's for a special occasion (thankfully no peopling required) and I'm glad I chose to do it, but at the same time, I wish it didn't involve so many spoons.
Hello, are you having an ok day?
Late last night (just before bed) we suddenly decided to make pancakes. They were so good. I had had a good meeting with my outreach worker, which I'm so grateful for.
Today I'm getting ready for a journey. It's for a special occasion (thankfully no peopling required) and I'm glad I chose to do it, but at the same time, I wish it didn't involve so many spoons.
19 February
Hello everybody and happy Thursday. Are you doing ok?
I feel rather guilty about being on this trip. It seems very extravagant in many ways. When I first had the idea, I didn't think it through properly before it got booked. I don't do things like this without a reason, and the reason this time made me a bit impulsive.
I will be doing a special train trip for a very special occasion. I have been on a plane (which was not my first choice) and I got to see plenty of blue sky and sun while I was up there. It's still clear now I'm on the ground but there's also lots of snow. I'm glad to tell anyone who was doubting, that the sun is still there!
I'm feeling quite sensitive that it's been shared on Facebook that I'm away. I get terribly self conscious and although I know this always happens, I was not prepared today. Having to scramble out of the house extra early because of traffic delays did not help with the last minute getting I had planned. It's all been quite stressful. But we're here now. Hopefully more to follow when I can.
Hello everybody and happy Thursday. Are you doing ok?
I feel rather guilty about being on this trip. It seems very extravagant in many ways. When I first had the idea, I didn't think it through properly before it got booked. I don't do things like this without a reason, and the reason this time made me a bit impulsive.
I will be doing a special train trip for a very special occasion. I have been on a plane (which was not my first choice) and I got to see plenty of blue sky and sun while I was up there. It's still clear now I'm on the ground but there's also lots of snow. I'm glad to tell anyone who was doubting, that the sun is still there!
I'm feeling quite sensitive that it's been shared on Facebook that I'm away. I get terribly self conscious and although I know this always happens, I was not prepared today. Having to scramble out of the house extra early because of traffic delays did not help with the last minute getting I had planned. It's all been quite stressful. But we're here now. Hopefully more to follow when I can.
20 February
How are you doing today?
I think the WiFi or Mastodon is not working properly here. I've tried responding to toots and got frozen. Sorry. I've not been deliberately quiet.
Tomorrow is kind of a big day. I haven't really got everything ready that and that makes me sad. I know that it wasn't realistic for me to fix certain things but sometimes I surprise myself and I wanted it to be one of those times.
Hopefully I'll have some good pictures I can share with you soon.
How are you doing today?
I think the WiFi or Mastodon is not working properly here. I've tried responding to toots and got frozen. Sorry. I've not been deliberately quiet.
Tomorrow is kind of a big day. I haven't really got everything ready that and that makes me sad. I know that it wasn't realistic for me to fix certain things but sometimes I surprise myself and I wanted it to be one of those times.
Hopefully I'll have some good pictures I can share with you soon.
21 February
Happy Saturday everybody!
It's my dad's 100th birthday. He's not around any more so we're doing a special train ride in his memory. And it is. Very special.
From Bergen to Oslo including the highest railway station in northern Europe (Finse). It is spectacular. My photos are the usual very poor standard. I can't over emphasise how stunning the views are. Right now it's completely white in each corner of every window!
Happy Saturday everybody!
It's my dad's 100th birthday. He's not around any more so we're doing a special train ride in his memory. And it is. Very special.
From Bergen to Oslo including the highest railway station in northern Europe (Finse). It is spectacular. My photos are the usual very poor standard. I can't over emphasise how stunning the views are. Right now it's completely white in each corner of every window!
22 February
Have you been having an ok weekend?
We went to the Munch museum. It is very big and I couldn't manage the whole thing.
The Scream is not on display in all forms apart from (I think?) a woodblock.
I especially enjoyed the "Almost Unreal" trienniale and I've got a few snapshots to share (I've put as much as I can into the alt text).
"Almost Unreal refers to a current moment in which the division between the real and the unreal is becoming increasingly uncertain. Recent technological developments enable the creation of simulated, augmented and enhanced realities, yet their availability comes at a
cost to the climate, interpersonal relations, and human imagination"
A few pieces from Munch.
Apologies for the quality of the Scream....it was too much pressure with loads of people crowding round.
Apologies for the quality of the Scream....it was too much pressure with loads of people crowding round.
23 February
How are things with you today?
We did another museum (no pictures this time). Enjoyed using the metro and trams and buses on the Ruter app. Very public transport friendly. There was more snow over night and it looks very pretty. It wasn't too cold surprisingly. We walked by the palace, national and city parliament and national theatre. All looking beautiful. Had a shower and now having a little drink before a snack. I am utterly worn out again! Going home tomorrow. I've only just got used to being here.
How are things with you today?
We did another museum (no pictures this time). Enjoyed using the metro and trams and buses on the Ruter app. Very public transport friendly. There was more snow over night and it looks very pretty. It wasn't too cold surprisingly. We walked by the palace, national and city parliament and national theatre. All looking beautiful. Had a shower and now having a little drink before a snack. I am utterly worn out again! Going home tomorrow. I've only just got used to being here.
24 February
Hope people here are OK.
We're nearly home. I've seriously run out of steam, so I'll have to catch up a bit more soon. Journey was pretty good, but I'm very achey and terribly tired.
Hope people here are OK.
We're nearly home. I've seriously run out of steam, so I'll have to catch up a bit more soon. Journey was pretty good, but I'm very achey and terribly tired.
25 February
Hello, are you having a good Wednesday? Is it sunny where you are? It is feeling very spring like here. I've hung some washing out and it's wonderful to see the bumble bees buzzing around some daphnia which smells beautiful and also flowering tete-a-tete, periwinkle, crocus, primroses and hyacinths.
Inside, however, my return from the snow has ended in a bumpy landing. I've not had the usual level of feeling like I've come home, plus all the aches and pains from while I was walking or travelling are lingering. Getting unpacked and doing the laundry feels like a big challenge.
Hello, are you having a good Wednesday? Is it sunny where you are? It is feeling very spring like here. I've hung some washing out and it's wonderful to see the bumble bees buzzing around some daphnia which smells beautiful and also flowering tete-a-tete, periwinkle, crocus, primroses and hyacinths.
Inside, however, my return from the snow has ended in a bumpy landing. I've not had the usual level of feeling like I've come home, plus all the aches and pains from while I was walking or travelling are lingering. Getting unpacked and doing the laundry feels like a big challenge.
26 February
Happy Thursday. How are you doing?
I had an early start before the cleaning that usually is on Monday but had to be scheduled before their other jobs. I did some washing and a couple of small tasks.
I'm struggling with something that I can't properly identify. I really want to understand it, share and work on it, but if I don't know what it really is, how do I do that?
It's nothing that wasn't present before. The longer I wrestle with complexities of audhd life and several other health problems, the harder it is for me to process what's happening in my head.
Happy Thursday. How are you doing?
I had an early start before the cleaning that usually is on Monday but had to be scheduled before their other jobs. I did some washing and a couple of small tasks.
I'm struggling with something that I can't properly identify. I really want to understand it, share and work on it, but if I don't know what it really is, how do I do that?
It's nothing that wasn't present before. The longer I wrestle with complexities of audhd life and several other health problems, the harder it is for me to process what's happening in my head.
1 March
How's March going for you so far?
Didn't get round to posting yesterday. Started the day still feeling low. We've got some damage causing a leaking pipe that's got to be fixed and a damaged flat tyre on the car. I went on to spend some time crafting, which was really good. Also caught up with my regular favourite podcast: Neurotypicals Don't Juggle Chainsaws. Then the #Railnatter episode on Lilian Lawrence and other LGBTQIA+ experiences (thanks @transponderings for that link).
The first podcast was on decluttering. Later on I ended up making a purchase of something I regretted getting rid of about 15 years ago 🙄 🤣
This morning I've changed the bedding. Taking a little break now.
How's March going for you so far?
Didn't get round to posting yesterday. Started the day still feeling low. We've got some damage causing a leaking pipe that's got to be fixed and a damaged flat tyre on the car. I went on to spend some time crafting, which was really good. Also caught up with my regular favourite podcast: Neurotypicals Don't Juggle Chainsaws. Then the #Railnatter episode on Lilian Lawrence and other LGBTQIA+ experiences (thanks @transponderings for that link).
The first podcast was on decluttering. Later on I ended up making a purchase of something I regretted getting rid of about 15 years ago 🙄 🤣
This morning I've changed the bedding. Taking a little break now.
2 March
Hello! Greetings from a beautiful springy day!
I've done some washing, walked to the shop for groceries and had a call with the psychologist. I left it a bit late to hang the washing out before my call, but couldn't let the sunshine get away unused.
I'd been a bit worried about my call (felt unsure about the last one), but it was really helpful. Working on medical trauma. He said that he'd written a chapter on a book about cPTSD and chosen the subject of being disbelieved. This comes from working with EDS people with experiences of not being treated fairly. Also asked me if some of my recent pain is possibly as a result of not being heard. His experience is that with EDS, pain (and fatigue) can become more intense to alert the brain to a message which has been missed.
Edit to remove a mistake. Sorry!
3 March
I hope you're all having a good day.
I had a nasty dream about one of my friends doing a terrible crime and I felt like I should have stopped them so I must be a bad person too.
Got a load of washing outside to dry again and collected my repeat meds.
Spent the rest of today with craft stuff. There's not a massive amount to show for it yet, but I have been catching up on getting my card making materials organised. I've been looking at some old items that I'd got into a habit of just ignoring. Revisiting why I liked it in the first place and refreshed the interest. Also allowed myself to put some bits into recycling as I went along rather than hanging on to them and thinking I can achieve zero waste. Quite pleased with myself 😍
I hope you're all having a good day.
I had a nasty dream about one of my friends doing a terrible crime and I felt like I should have stopped them so I must be a bad person too.
Got a load of washing outside to dry again and collected my repeat meds.
Spent the rest of today with craft stuff. There's not a massive amount to show for it yet, but I have been catching up on getting my card making materials organised. I've been looking at some old items that I'd got into a habit of just ignoring. Revisiting why I liked it in the first place and refreshed the interest. Also allowed myself to put some bits into recycling as I went along rather than hanging on to them and thinking I can achieve zero waste. Quite pleased with myself 😍
4 March
Morning! Hope your Wednesday is going well.
I've got some laundry on and I've started on my daily tidying and creativity. Not such a nice day as yesterday but I'll try not to notice that. I probably won't be here too much until this evening.
Morning! Hope your Wednesday is going well.
I've got some laundry on and I've started on my daily tidying and creativity. Not such a nice day as yesterday but I'll try not to notice that. I probably won't be here too much until this evening.
5 March
Happy Thursday everyone, how's it going?
There is a bit more sun here today than yesterday, so I'm hoping I won't feel as cold (I thought I was sick in the afternoon and slept for a big chunk of the evening). It might be that I felt I was not doing so well with my craft project and my body decided to have a sulk.
I was pleased about catching up with a task I'd been behind with though.
Also very glad I listened to This is the Door: Notes From a Body in Pain by Darcey Steinke on Radio 4. I thought it was a very interesting exploration of chronic pain.
Happy Thursday everyone, how's it going?
There is a bit more sun here today than yesterday, so I'm hoping I won't feel as cold (I thought I was sick in the afternoon and slept for a big chunk of the evening). It might be that I felt I was not doing so well with my craft project and my body decided to have a sulk.
I was pleased about catching up with a task I'd been behind with though.
Also very glad I listened to This is the Door: Notes From a Body in Pain by Darcey Steinke on Radio 4. I thought it was a very interesting exploration of chronic pain.
6 March
How is it going with you this Friday?
It's grey and dull in my little corner. And even more grey in my head.
I've started on my daily tasks (as formulated with the psychologist). I've done some other small jobs that are helpful. Later we are going out with our friends and staying over night. I am not loving the idea of getting ready and leaving my house.
Yesterday I managed to do well with my card making. I've got the start of a structure for ideas which I can use regularly. I hope. The second card took me maybe 2 hours (much quicker than the first). This shows me that spending time sorting all my materials out carefully is useful and not as pointless as I was afraid it might be.
How is it going with you this Friday?
It's grey and dull in my little corner. And even more grey in my head.
I've started on my daily tasks (as formulated with the psychologist). I've done some other small jobs that are helpful. Later we are going out with our friends and staying over night. I am not loving the idea of getting ready and leaving my house.
Yesterday I managed to do well with my card making. I've got the start of a structure for ideas which I can use regularly. I hope. The second card took me maybe 2 hours (much quicker than the first). This shows me that spending time sorting all my materials out carefully is useful and not as pointless as I was afraid it might be.
7 March
Hope you're having a good weekend.
We had a nice time with our friends last night. Staying away from home has just kind of eaten up my energy and I'm really tired, so I will keep this short and catch up properly tomorrow. Trying to get to bed early to allow for the clocks going forward.
Hope you're having a good weekend.
We had a nice time with our friends last night. Staying away from home has just kind of eaten up my energy and I'm really tired, so I will keep this short and catch up properly tomorrow. Trying to get to bed early to allow for the clocks going forward.
8 March
Long: audhd and cognitive decline
So I got confused by the posts on the clocks going forward yesterday after already being told firmly by someone close to me that it was definitely today.
This is the second time this year that I've been caught out by the strong influence of people I care about drowning out my own sense of what I know is on the calendar.
I think there's an element of cognitive decline (I get overwhelmed just looking at the calendar) but also I'm tending to not challenge if I feel something is wrong for fear of causing anger. This sounds like a recipe for vulnerability and being taken advantage of.
I have raised my fear of cognitive decline to numerous doctors, but it doesn't seem evident to them, because of the way they check for it.
I have a feeling that my autistic masking and pattern following habits cover it up. They normally ask things based on numbers. I can often reference multiplication tables and I feel like I'm being tested as they did when I was at junior school.
I am just rigidly obeying the rules that were drilled into me, like when being coached to pass the 11+. I can still summon them up when under pressure.
But why can't they see that I have sunk lower and lower at the skills that really matter to me, such as functioning and warding off vulnerability?
Does anyone else know if it's is a thing for autistic masking and tendency to follow rules to disguise cognitive decline? Or is it more likely alexithymia stopping me from recognising that it's simply the effect of burnout, fatigue and trauma?
9 March
Hope your Monday is as acceptable as possible.
It's foggy here outside and in. There is a repair job being done which was much more disruptive and upsetting than I anticipated 😬 this is on top of the damage to our lovely new paintwork that was only completed in December. Also got a separate person coming to do something else, parcels being delivered and lots of things I'm behind with. Why is it always Monday?
Hope your Monday is as acceptable as possible.
It's foggy here outside and in. There is a repair job being done which was much more disruptive and upsetting than I anticipated 😬 this is on top of the damage to our lovely new paintwork that was only completed in December. Also got a separate person coming to do something else, parcels being delivered and lots of things I'm behind with. Why is it always Monday?
10 March
Hello, how's everyone getting on today?
My day has been long and tiring, but not all bad. I had a lovely lunch with a family member for their birthday. I need to just stop and be quiet now. I'll try to catch up tomorrow.
Hello, how's everyone getting on today?
My day has been long and tiring, but not all bad. I had a lovely lunch with a family member for their birthday. I need to just stop and be quiet now. I'll try to catch up tomorrow.
11 March
It's a nice day here. Sending you all sunny spring greetings.
I'm still a bit emotional from yesterday. It's hard to get my head round why I feel so much about something simple and almost routine. I delivered the cards I've been making, so that felt good.
In the last week or two I've been feeling extra upset over things that don't normally cause that much stress. Yesterday this spilled over so that I upset someone else, too.
Anxiously tiptoeing through the rest of the week so as not to stir up any other trouble. The regular Monday stuff is being done today (postponed due to the leaking pipe) and that means more people in the house (sigh).
Husband is going away for a short break tomorrow and on Friday someone is dropping in to collect items we've been looking after for them. I've offered them lunch but I'm doubting whether I can actually manage it.
It's a nice day here. Sending you all sunny spring greetings.
I'm still a bit emotional from yesterday. It's hard to get my head round why I feel so much about something simple and almost routine. I delivered the cards I've been making, so that felt good.
In the last week or two I've been feeling extra upset over things that don't normally cause that much stress. Yesterday this spilled over so that I upset someone else, too.
Anxiously tiptoeing through the rest of the week so as not to stir up any other trouble. The regular Monday stuff is being done today (postponed due to the leaking pipe) and that means more people in the house (sigh).
Husband is going away for a short break tomorrow and on Friday someone is dropping in to collect items we've been looking after for them. I've offered them lunch but I'm doubting whether I can actually manage it.
12 March
Hello and happy Thursday! How are you doing?
My day is more crappy than happy. I'm trying to figure out what's going on.
I've often spoken about feeling confused in the past to counsellors. I've eased off from doing that, because it seems to lead to further confusion and grief at losing what I thought was understanding I shared with people in general.
It could be that the confusion is because of SDAM and being unable to make sense of the fragments of memory which I can't get into the right order to complete a useful picture.
When I get asked what I'm confused about, I've often replied that if I knew the answer then I wouldn't be confused. If I'm not careful, that makes people angry with me and then I get more confused. I'm feeling very isolated by this difference between me and the world. It's not a difference I can talk about because nobody knows what it is.
13 March
How are you doing? Hope you've got something nice happening this weekend.
My visitor has been and gone. I did a small lunch and I've survived. I enjoyed chatting a bit. It's been a lot for me. My stupid, confused and jumbled up brain can't cope when remains of the old me get stirred up and today's me seems like a miserable, pointless ghost.
14 March
Hope your Saturday is going well and it's sunny where you are.
I'm not having a bad day, but I have bad stuff going on in my head because of misunderstandings in the past. I know I can't fix any of it now, but that doesn't stop my subconscious giving me a beating for it in the morning as I wake up.
I hate it so much that these misunderstandings were due to being mislead (clearly not my fault) yet in real life there is nobody who can empathise with how overwhelmingly it has worn me down.
I'm sure I've repeated this in other words several times, but it keeps swirling round and feels new each time it comes back.
Hope your Saturday is going well and it's sunny where you are.
I'm not having a bad day, but I have bad stuff going on in my head because of misunderstandings in the past. I know I can't fix any of it now, but that doesn't stop my subconscious giving me a beating for it in the morning as I wake up.
I hate it so much that these misunderstandings were due to being mislead (clearly not my fault) yet in real life there is nobody who can empathise with how overwhelmingly it has worn me down.
I'm sure I've repeated this in other words several times, but it keeps swirling round and feels new each time it comes back.
15 March
Hello, how's your Sunday? It's a bit grey here now.
I have been filling in some questionnaires for tomorrow's psychologist call: Am I experiencing body boredom? (score 92/100) and Do I express Anger appropriately? (score 75/100). It's quite interesting and I hope it will be helpful, even if only as a prompt.
I'd not heard of body boredom before, but it's a name being used here for physical symptoms of lack of engagement and suppressed needs.
Hello, how's your Sunday? It's a bit grey here now.
I have been filling in some questionnaires for tomorrow's psychologist call: Am I experiencing body boredom? (score 92/100) and Do I express Anger appropriately? (score 75/100). It's quite interesting and I hope it will be helpful, even if only as a prompt.
I'd not heard of body boredom before, but it's a name being used here for physical symptoms of lack of engagement and suppressed needs.
16 March
Hello everyone, I've not been here much today. How are you doing?
I felt pretty low this morning and I just lurked. I had planned to go to my group but missed it again (second month in a row) because of my mood.
I had a call with the psychologist this afternoon. I was a bit concerned about not getting all the forms filled in that I'd been given, but in my answers there was enough to be going on with. It was very encouraging that he was interested in what I'd written.
It feels helpful that he's trying to unpick some of the mess and confusion with my alexithymia in the context of how "symptoms"* connect with causes.
* "symptoms" is not a good word but the only one my brain will come up with.
Hello everyone, I've not been here much today. How are you doing?
I felt pretty low this morning and I just lurked. I had planned to go to my group but missed it again (second month in a row) because of my mood.
I had a call with the psychologist this afternoon. I was a bit concerned about not getting all the forms filled in that I'd been given, but in my answers there was enough to be going on with. It was very encouraging that he was interested in what I'd written.
It feels helpful that he's trying to unpick some of the mess and confusion with my alexithymia in the context of how "symptoms"* connect with causes.
* "symptoms" is not a good word but the only one my brain will come up with.
17 March
Morning all, how're things with you?
I must work on my NHS communication passport thingy today (I think that's what it's called). I have been putting it off, well, completely dreading what it will stir up. On the bright side, I have had support and someone has already done most of the decision making part.
It does feel like a complete waste of time, because I don't think anyone will even notice it. But I kind of need to jump through the hoop so the person supporting me can understand what I'm up against.
Morning all, how're things with you?
I must work on my NHS communication passport thingy today (I think that's what it's called). I have been putting it off, well, completely dreading what it will stir up. On the bright side, I have had support and someone has already done most of the decision making part.
It does feel like a complete waste of time, because I don't think anyone will even notice it. But I kind of need to jump through the hoop so the person supporting me can understand what I'm up against.
18 March
Good morning lovely people, I hope you have the sunshine today.
I have a meeting with the outreach worker who will get the NHS passport on the system for me. Then I will reach out for an appointment with a GP and see if it makes any difference. I'm not holding my breath.
I just printed some stuff from the psychologist. I got quite overwhelmed with feelings about how desperately I needed to do this decades ago and why there was nobody who could understand me then. It seems very helpful, but there's such a lot coming up for me around finally being heard and how long that took.
Good morning lovely people, I hope you have the sunshine today.
I have a meeting with the outreach worker who will get the NHS passport on the system for me. Then I will reach out for an appointment with a GP and see if it makes any difference. I'm not holding my breath.
I just printed some stuff from the psychologist. I got quite overwhelmed with feelings about how desperately I needed to do this decades ago and why there was nobody who could understand me then. It seems very helpful, but there's such a lot coming up for me around finally being heard and how long that took.
19 March
Happy Thursday everybody, are you doing ok? It's another sunny day here, although the gloom still lurks inside. Or is it just in my head?
Using the NHS app for repeat prescriptions has caused me to be very upset this morning. I won't go into detail as I've wasted enough time already.
I've had to do several health admin tasks this morning all involving unfriendly feeling interactions which I didn't have the stomach for.
Keen to get on with some card making now to give myself a break.
Happy Thursday everybody, are you doing ok? It's another sunny day here, although the gloom still lurks inside. Or is it just in my head?
Using the NHS app for repeat prescriptions has caused me to be very upset this morning. I won't go into detail as I've wasted enough time already.
I've had to do several health admin tasks this morning all involving unfriendly feeling interactions which I didn't have the stomach for.
Keen to get on with some card making now to give myself a break.
20 March
Morning everyone, did you sleep well enough? I had an odd dream about friends entering in a fake food maker's contest. I was helping them set up their display but feeling very confused because why would this be a thing that people actually do?
Yesterday's thing with my repeat prescription has been troubling me a lot.
With one eye on what the psychologist has been talking about and looking at my usual patterns, I think I can see it more logically.
I have a big need for adjustments to the system for requesting and collecting repeats, but there is no possibility, understanding or facility for this.
I have become somewhat disconnected.
I did indeed order my meds and I've not run out (hooray) but I've had to endure the person talking down to me because they don't acknowledge the terrible problems I'm having.
As per an exercise suggested to me, I have said out loud to myself: "I'm angry/frustrated/annoyed because [what I said above] and it's okay and reasonable for me to feel this way".
Morning everyone, did you sleep well enough? I had an odd dream about friends entering in a fake food maker's contest. I was helping them set up their display but feeling very confused because why would this be a thing that people actually do?
Yesterday's thing with my repeat prescription has been troubling me a lot.
With one eye on what the psychologist has been talking about and looking at my usual patterns, I think I can see it more logically.
I have a big need for adjustments to the system for requesting and collecting repeats, but there is no possibility, understanding or facility for this.
I have become somewhat disconnected.
I did indeed order my meds and I've not run out (hooray) but I've had to endure the person talking down to me because they don't acknowledge the terrible problems I'm having.
As per an exercise suggested to me, I have said out loud to myself: "I'm angry/frustrated/annoyed because [what I said above] and it's okay and reasonable for me to feel this way".
22 March
Hello how's your weekend going?
Yesterday we needed something from a busy shopping centre and I wasn't sure it was wise, but went anyway. We were early enough to do it fairly comfortably and I stocked up on some craft supplies.
I was quite excited about the items I got, so I went straight to the crafting as soon as I'd put a load of washing on. I was really pleased that I'd worked through a block I was having. I noticed how happy I was feeling with my project.
That's so unusual for me lately and it feels like I've been very distracted from my everyday responsibilities. It was only for an afternoon, but my brain is telling me I've totally abandoned the important stuff. I'm a bit bewildered.
Hello how's your weekend going?
Yesterday we needed something from a busy shopping centre and I wasn't sure it was wise, but went anyway. We were early enough to do it fairly comfortably and I stocked up on some craft supplies.
I was quite excited about the items I got, so I went straight to the crafting as soon as I'd put a load of washing on. I was really pleased that I'd worked through a block I was having. I noticed how happy I was feeling with my project.
That's so unusual for me lately and it feels like I've been very distracted from my everyday responsibilities. It was only for an afternoon, but my brain is telling me I've totally abandoned the important stuff. I'm a bit bewildered.
23 March
How is your Monday? The weather here is quite nice. Inside my head not so good.
Life is just too much. I can't do all the processing. My brain is trying to visualise what it would be like if I had had the awareness to put boundaries in place before the damage was done.
I still don't even know what these boundaries would be like. Probably protecting the time and means to recharge and restricting input. But that would have isolated me from school, relationships, hobbies and work. That seems confusing and unbelievably difficult. It would also depend on understanding and support that I'm absolutely certain wasn't there.
Could I have worked and still maintained boundaries? Doubtful. Maybe if I had no life outside. Without life outside, support of family or friends wouldn't work.
Sorry I'm going round in circles.
How is your Monday? The weather here is quite nice. Inside my head not so good.
Life is just too much. I can't do all the processing. My brain is trying to visualise what it would be like if I had had the awareness to put boundaries in place before the damage was done.
I still don't even know what these boundaries would be like. Probably protecting the time and means to recharge and restricting input. But that would have isolated me from school, relationships, hobbies and work. That seems confusing and unbelievably difficult. It would also depend on understanding and support that I'm absolutely certain wasn't there.
Could I have worked and still maintained boundaries? Doubtful. Maybe if I had no life outside. Without life outside, support of family or friends wouldn't work.
Sorry I'm going round in circles.
24 March
How are things? Weather seems quite windy.
The usual Monday cleaning has moved to Tuesday. I'm quite glad there's one less thing to clash, but it does take out a day that would be free otherwise.
I'm still rather overwhelmed and feel that I am better off not saying too much for today.
I've been sorting out the bottom of my wardrobe. I'd had a string of beads hanging inside the door but they broke and went all over (including in my boots). I put it off for weeks. The thought of going through every little thing that accumulated over 25 years was too daunting. I stopped short of checking pockets of every item of clothing.
How are things? Weather seems quite windy.
The usual Monday cleaning has moved to Tuesday. I'm quite glad there's one less thing to clash, but it does take out a day that would be free otherwise.
I'm still rather overwhelmed and feel that I am better off not saying too much for today.
I've been sorting out the bottom of my wardrobe. I'd had a string of beads hanging inside the door but they broke and went all over (including in my boots). I put it off for weeks. The thought of going through every little thing that accumulated over 25 years was too daunting. I stopped short of checking pockets of every item of clothing.
26 March
Oh dear, I didn't mean to miss my update yesterday! Wednesday started with a lot of brainfog, possibly from Tuesday's wardrobe sorting. I then decided to try joining my husband on some errands (on the understanding I could wait in the car).
After that there was a dreaded admin task to be done. I completed the first stage and did some filing as well, but that caused an argument and I struggled to keep going afterwards.
Today I've got the phone call stage of the admin task, which includes DWP. There's always the potential for that to go horribly wrong.
We are taking a relation out for lunch as well, so there's more than enough for me to be going on with.
Hope everybody here is doing OK. Happy Thursday to you!
27 March
How're you all doing? I hope you've got good plans for the weekend. The (UK) clocks go forward this time, don't they?
I don't have any plans. I hope to do some card making.
I'm feeling pretty awful. I can't explain but I feel like I might have a great big cry.
Whatever was wrong to start with became more intense after trying to get some of my admin done. It should have been done yesterday but my headache didn't clear up until the evening. Hanging on the phone for so long today meant I couldn't keep regulated. Still got loads left to do.
I've remembered something I want to watch on TV, so I'll give that a try and it might just help me to a better state of mind.
How're you all doing? I hope you've got good plans for the weekend. The (UK) clocks go forward this time, don't they?
I don't have any plans. I hope to do some card making.
I'm feeling pretty awful. I can't explain but I feel like I might have a great big cry.
Whatever was wrong to start with became more intense after trying to get some of my admin done. It should have been done yesterday but my headache didn't clear up until the evening. Hanging on the phone for so long today meant I couldn't keep regulated. Still got loads left to do.
I've remembered something I want to watch on TV, so I'll give that a try and it might just help me to a better state of mind.
28 March
I promised myself a weekend "off". I went with my husband to the seaside. He had to pick something up. I found a brilliant craft shop and it was a beautiful day for seeing the sea.
I'm not doing very well apart from that.
I'm really struggling with not knowing how to express what's going on. And struggling with there being no answers or support even if I could tell my story properly.
I promised myself a weekend "off". I went with my husband to the seaside. He had to pick something up. I found a brilliant craft shop and it was a beautiful day for seeing the sea.
I'm not doing very well apart from that.
I'm really struggling with not knowing how to express what's going on. And struggling with there being no answers or support even if I could tell my story properly.
29 March
Hi, how're things with you this Sunday?
I was thinking recently about one of my early relationships (1983/4). This boyfriend's mother was a therapist. What I know now about how therapy can be very unsuitable for my autistic brain, makes me wonder what mixed up ideas I've been carrying round for decades. I had buried and forgotten about this in the background of the heartbreak of teenage love.
It could be the reason I've tried so many therapists but never asked myself if this might not be for me. There had been quite a bit of conversation back then about my mental health. I'd got the message that I needed to explore what was going on and to get it "fixed". I hate the thought that perhaps it's all been about me trying to prove that I could be a better person than the one this boyfriend rejected.
That seems such a terrible mistake. I had no way of knowing that and I'm not giving myself a hard time for it, but what a massive weight to be carrying all that time.
I can see that I needed to cling to this idea of fixing myself and everything would be alright, but it's so sad that I've wasted the best years of my life on trying to fix what isn't fixable and believing I was the problem.
Edit for typo.
Hi, how're things with you this Sunday?
I was thinking recently about one of my early relationships (1983/4). This boyfriend's mother was a therapist. What I know now about how therapy can be very unsuitable for my autistic brain, makes me wonder what mixed up ideas I've been carrying round for decades. I had buried and forgotten about this in the background of the heartbreak of teenage love.
It could be the reason I've tried so many therapists but never asked myself if this might not be for me. There had been quite a bit of conversation back then about my mental health. I'd got the message that I needed to explore what was going on and to get it "fixed". I hate the thought that perhaps it's all been about me trying to prove that I could be a better person than the one this boyfriend rejected.
That seems such a terrible mistake. I had no way of knowing that and I'm not giving myself a hard time for it, but what a massive weight to be carrying all that time.
I can see that I needed to cling to this idea of fixing myself and everything would be alright, but it's so sad that I've wasted the best years of my life on trying to fix what isn't fixable and believing I was the problem.
Edit for typo.
30 March
Hello, how's it going?
I had my call with the psychologist today and I'm very pleased to say that it has helped me feel more ok than I was.
I did some laundry this morning and some card making after the call this afternoon. I did well with the cards but my evening has been a bit frustrating.
Hello, how's it going?
I had my call with the psychologist today and I'm very pleased to say that it has helped me feel more ok than I was.
I did some laundry this morning and some card making after the call this afternoon. I did well with the cards but my evening has been a bit frustrating.
31 March
Morning everyone, I hope you've had a good start. Doesn't look very bright outside although the weather on TV says it's mild.
I was woken up very early by a bad dream. It involved doing some gardening with my husband and there was this small but terrifying creature* in the root of a plant that I had asked him to dig up. Despite my attempts to alert him to my overwhelming fear, he remained oblivious the creature and was about to hand it to me. I woke up before that.
Having feelings now about being unable to communicate what I need people to know and see. How much that frightens me.
*possibly an alien or fictional poisonous sea creature
Morning everyone, I hope you've had a good start. Doesn't look very bright outside although the weather on TV says it's mild.
I was woken up very early by a bad dream. It involved doing some gardening with my husband and there was this small but terrifying creature* in the root of a plant that I had asked him to dig up. Despite my attempts to alert him to my overwhelming fear, he remained oblivious the creature and was about to hand it to me. I woke up before that.
Having feelings now about being unable to communicate what I need people to know and see. How much that frightens me.
*possibly an alien or fictional poisonous sea creature
Mind Shambles@autoperipatetikos I have never understood dreams. I take the approach that my brain needs to sort things, whether good or bad, and does this in chaotic ways. Sometimes I get a peek and its not always pleasant or doesnt make sense, but it needs to do it, and I shouldn't read into it.
Thats my personal coping mechanism anyway
Thats my personal coping mechanism anyway
@Aspiedan I think you are right. I don't set out reading in too much, but any elements that seem to align with reality hook me in. I also get quite carried away with the freedom from restriction in my dreams. There's not enough of that in my waking brain.