ransomware except it turns on 2fa for you and doesnt give you the recovery email or codes til you pay

ransomware except it ioncube encrypts your wordpress blog and posts nothing but the most cringe, embarrasing memes from 9gag every hour til you pay

ransomware except it signs you up to every mailing list for every vendor at rsa with your personal mobile phone and resubscribes you every 24 hours using mail aliases til you pay

ransomware except it uses hacked openclaw instances and stolen elevenlabs api keys to text-to-speech all new posts on moltbook.com/m/blesstheirhearts, then call you in random intervals 1-15 mins and read them to you aloud on every platform, starting with discord, then signal, then teams then eventually going to mobile phone. then hires bike messenger types to come ring your doorbell and read them to you in person telegram style

ransomware except it just leaks the mailspools of the c suite instead of encrypting anything

ransomware except it creates an ooo responder in o365 that has a btc address in it, a link to a nonexistent onlyfans page and a footer with a lobster emoji and text that says 'sent from my openclaw'

ransomware except it targets twitter users and posts as them advertising cryptoscams, feet pics and starts flamewars with super angry political nutbags

ransomware except it does the super 2005 era shit like rotating your windows display, or changing the keyboard layout to dvorak and occasionally displaying a qr code to a btc wallet til you pay. and it pushes that shit to the c-suite and board members first

ransomware except it just reinstalls copilot back into notepad

ransomware except it just changes all the creds to all your switches, routers and firewalls

ransomware except the only thing it encrypts is that absolutely gargantuan landfill fileshare you have where everyone puts their shit and theres no permissions model and everyone can see everything, so its the companies giant junk drawer

ransomware except it only specifically targets aws, azure and gcp environments that are using tagging, thinking that coutns as network segmentation

ransomware except snoops mailspools, teams and slack, then forwards threads/screenshots to regulators where people in security departments are openly laughing about having lied to make it past compilance and regulatory rules/laws

ransomware except it forces only the executive staff, from managers and up, to retake the phishing training testing over and over again, and functions as a paywall on macs and windows boxes preventing them from using their computers untill they complete the training. and it spreads to their home devices, and specifically targets iphones and ipads of their kids as well

ransomware except it leaks c-suite and board member browser histories for the last 90 days

ransomware except it randomly selects 100 staff members and gives them a 5000 dollar daily bonus for every day that they follow the CEO around singing happy birthday, the song that never ends, the rebecca black friday friday song, the macarena or its a small world over and over again until the ransom is paid. the bonuses come out of the executive leadership bonus pool

ransomware except it volunteers you to be a boothbabe what whatever vendors that still use booth babes at rsa and blackhat

ransomware except it volunteers you to be a CEH exam proctor

ransomware except it signs absolutely every single person in the company who has an email address up to the elon musk fan club

ransomware except that it specifically finds any machines that still have diskette drives in them and plays the mexican hat dance, the imperial march, or the mario theme on them either until their stepper motors burn out, or the ransom is paid

ransomware except it transposes the reply and replyall button functionalities in outlook