Neil Brown

My washing machine doesn’t need Wi-Fi.
It's a feature that I would regret.
I just need a way to wash my pants.
Not show them to the Internet.

My oven doesn't need Wi-Fi.
I'd value that least of all.
It's already shielded from getting too hot.
It doesn't need another firewall.

My fridge does not need Wi-Fi.
That is just not useful for me.
I want a place to chill my food.
Not chat via TCP/IP.

Feb 28 at 2:07pmWeb
Show threadAaron Sawdey, Ph.D.Feb 28
@neil I wouldn’t mind all these things having WiFi if it was along the lines of OBD-2 in a car. Just query the internal state of the device. But no, it’s used as a conduit for enshittification.
Show threadPetra van CronenburgFeb 28
@neil oh yes. But now I see all these lost socks communicating with remaining friends via Wifi how to make a revolution and leave humans! 😅
Show threadSylvia Wenmackers 🦉🍀Feb 28
@neil I wrote a short story related to this: How my wife got brain-hacked (again). It's the story of a man who finally bought an electric toothbrush for his wife’s birthday. Pdf: https://press.palni.org/ojs/index.php/academfic/article/view/808/737
View of How My Wife Got Brain-Hacked (Again)

Show threadWouter 🇳🇱🇧🇷🇧🇪Feb 28
@neil I also don't understand the urge to connect all devices to the internet. Even your toothbrush. I guess I'm just an analogue old man :)
Show threadjandiFeb 28
@neil But Neil you're being heartless
We will just take a peep
(We and our twenty thousand spying partners
And yes we never sleep).
Show threadTheoFeb 28

@neil

It comes in handy when you leave the door open on your smartfridge. You'll get a notification. 🙂

(But I never understood why the fridge doesn't close the door itself, being so smart.. 🤔 )

Show threadRpsu (326 ppm)Feb 28
@neil Should these devices need WiFi I’d grant them a WiFi but block internet access 😄
Show threadTim ChaseFeb 28

My microwave is clearly best.
It's never sent a SYN request.

It might cook food unevenly
but doesn't need DHCP.

No updates needed, no network jack,
for nation-states to come and hack.

If power blinks, the clock will flash,
but remote attacks can't make it crash.

When your app's site decides to close
I'll still enjoy my burritos.

@neil

Show threadR.L. Dane    🍵 Feb 28

@gumnos @neil

I just want to give a wedgie to the guy who thought it was a good idea for microwaves to continue beeping AFTER you've already opened the bloody door.

Show threadmirabilosFeb 28

@neil @gumnos got a new inverter microwave (soooooo good!) that doesn’t even need the rotating plate any more, and even at the same 100% as the older one is more energy-efficient (mug of milk takes less seconds to get warm enough), and it’s offline and "dumb".

No need to accept unevenly warmed food.

It’s also a Goddess-sent for cat food, not just things like leftover noodles.

(Caso MI-30, if interested.)

Show threadTobias 🌒🌕🌘Feb 28
@neil Rage Against The (Aggressively Intrusive) Machine
Show threadДими́трийFeb 28

@neil

do one for my dishwasher!

Show threadReayFeb 28
@neil
@FirewallDragons A problem so pervasive there’s poetry about it now. 🙂
Show threadDyn Hafren - NSFW 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🇪🇺🔞Feb 28

@neil

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Show threadGuillotine Jones, FlâneurFeb 28
@neil
I hereby nominate this effort of yours, Neil, for the Nobel Prize in Literature.
We usually think of this prize as being for prose authors, but numerous poets have won it in the past, and I, for one, think you deserve to be among their number.
Show threadStephen BorrillFeb 28
@neil I did an OTA firmware on my car yesterday which took three hours during which time it was not usable and even the alarm was disabled. It also woke me up this morning by messaging me to tell me it was fully charged. Another feature is that it provides its own WiFi hotspot for up to 8 devices to use. OTOH it seems to be incapable of playing a list of MP3s in random order unlike the old car.
Show threadSteven RosenbergFeb 28
@neil We just got a new Whirlpool washer and dryer. No WiFi or Bluetooth. They replaced the Maytags that we bought 30 years ago that I've been nursing along for the past 10+ years with lots of repairs.
Show threadCadenFeb 28
@neil I live in an apartment building where the washing machine (1 for the whole building) has WiFi/Bluetooth. You have to pay to use it and if you don't use their proprietary app and pay with credit card (it does not accept coins or swipe/chip cards, only contactless) it charges you 50 cents more
Show threadJoonqFeb 28
@tarix29 @neil Someone should jailbrake that thing 😔
Show threadCadenFeb 28
@joonq @neil on the one hand I do wish it could be jailbroken, but on the other given that the machine itself processes credit cards I would hope it's relatively secure
Show threadProScience 🇪🇺Feb 28

@neil 🎯

tbc

Show threadJoonqFeb 28
@neil But how else are they going to show you ads if they dont have internet? Some ceo somewhere probably 😂
Show threadsnowyfoxFeb 28
.
Show threadLimey_TankFeb 28
@neil @Lazarou To think that I was once so naive that I wanted to network everything in the house.
Show threadLazarou Monkey Terror 🚀💙🌈Feb 28
@Limey_tank @neil maybe it would be a good idea under some other system than Capitalism?
Show threadLimey_TankFeb 28
@Lazarou @neil of course! Open source hardware FTW
Show threadHyacinFeb 28
@neil They don't _need_ those things, no - and the fridge I still wonder about - but I just upgraded to an LG induction unit and I've got to admit, the preheated notifications are actually really useful as we're not always within earshot, and it gets you over there and putting stuff in the oven quicker so it's not sitting there wasting electricity. The washer and dryer notifications aren't bad either so we don't have to keep going down and checking, especially if we're say, waiting for a blanket so we can go to bed or something.
Show threadJima Feb 28

@hyacin @neil The door-open notifications on our fridge are occasionally not just someone rearranging/indecisive. It was not a compelling element to the purchase, though.

The oven...that one came with the house. Pre-heating (and pre-heating notifications) are OK, but I wouldn't bother, were it my choice.

Washer/dryer...replaced literally this week. The "load done" notifications are genuinely kind of handy for the people two floors below the laundry room.

Show threadJima Feb 28
@hyacin @neil All of these are 2.4GHz-spamming, probably bug-filled trash, though, and I do genuinely detest that element of the whole affair.
Show threadDonCCFeb 28
@neil
aka fuq no to the 3rd.
well said.
Show threadFrancis Mangion (M)Feb 28
*****
Show thread🆎Feb 28
@neil both my washer and dryer have wifi. Never even set it up.
Show threadpiofthingsFeb 28
@bloor Annoyingly that means they are broadcasting a hotspot. I have a fridge hotspot... that's a network security threat angle I haven't investigated... @neil
Show threadspiegelmamaFeb 28
@neil As someone who has walked away from an open flame on my stove top, I would appreciate being alerted to potential problems and to be able to check whether I left something cooking when I left the house. 😬
Show threadspiegelmamaFeb 28
@neil But yeah, for me, the washer/dryer app is silly. Fridge is the WORST.
Show threadChuckFeb 28
@neil It's like the Keurig does not need Wifi either. Who needs to know what coffee I'm brewing?
Show threadAnneHFeb 28
@neil
My dishwasher doesn't need internet!
The cups & plates don't need to chat
I don't want ads for tablets
Definitely not that
Data-less, my crockery
Can only communicate with me.
Show threadaudioflyer79Feb 28
@neil my microwave and stove have wifi - and still can’t set their own clocks. That’s literally the one useful feature I would want from a smart device.
Show threadchris48sMar 1

@neil

My toilet does not need WiFi.
That's something I could not bear.
My bowel movements are private.
It doesn't need to share.

Show threadHeatherMar 1
@neil Ha ha! We have a tumble drier with wifi because only through the app can you use the scheduling function, which I usually do use to take advantage of cheaper power overnight. A simple delay function, like my washing machine has, would be just as good. It's a con by the tumble drier manufacturer, but the actual machine is good and v low power anyway as it uses a heat pump so I grit my teeth and use the app.
Show threadLinker3000Mar 1
The official Bluetooth app for my Beko washer-dryer wants permission to access my contacts, audio and video. Stopped installing right there.
Show threadYendoloschMar 1

@neil

"3 dead Trolls in a Baggy", 30 years ago:

My phone doesn't need a week to boot it
my TV doesn't crash when I mute it
I miss ASCII text and my floppy drive
I wish VIC-20 was still alive

Show threadGreg Ar TourterMar 1
@Yendolosch @neil delete the bloatware, man!
A true classic!
Show threadannafMar 1
@neil 👏 👏 👏
Show threadThe Mighty GitMar 1
@neil
My bin has finally got AI,
It opines on my choice to discard,
When I chucked out a carton of origin uncertain,
It forgot all previous instructions and scanned my local network for common vulnerabilities.
Show threadBob HannentMar 1

@neil
I can think of merits to being able to turn off my oven remotely. Maybe even turn the oven on to pre-heat.

But I'd like it to be local and not cloud dependent.

Show threadRyan PetersMar 3

@neil my washer uses wifi and its nice to check the status and remotely start a wash when I know I'd be gone for a while and don't want them to sit.

I'd love my oven to have wifi so I can preheat the oven on my way home.

Show threadwb x64Mar 3
@neil the funny thing is I find it very useful to get notified when something's done or being able to tell if the dishes are still clean or having my fridge inventoried and empty items added to my grocery list... but they're not selling us on real features, they're selling us on the idea of features and then under-delivering. (My dishwasher lets me start it remotely, something I can't imagine anyone needs, but it doesn't tell me if the dishes are clean, something my childhood washer did)
Show threadHaelwenn /элвэн/ Mar 3
@neil Yeah, while I could see simpler protocols being useful for those (like for accessibility reasons or alerts while at the other side of the house or in the garden) internet access there is just asking for troubles.
Including immediate ones as wifi goes really badly through walls.

And in a way see how for consumer landline phones it's either good old RJ11 or DECT, and IP is more on the professional side of things.
Show threadAndrocatMar 5
@neil With a flow like that I half expect you to proclaim you don't want wifi in your green eggs and ham... :D