2/11🧵

I have been dealing with depression for about 17 years (since around the age of 8) while I have been having suicidal thoughts since around 2015 (for about 11 years, or since around the age of 14) they come and go, but in the past 2 years, they have been at their worst. I also have Autism and ADHD, which make things a little worse.

I have to disclaim that I am an agnostic (NOT an agnostic atheist) please do not disregard what I am saying because of this, as I respect ALL peaceful religions (and irreligions) not just the 3 biggest ones. Because I am agnostic, I have had to come to terms with the reality that there may be no afterlife, and that if I ended it all, it would just be nothingness for all time.

5/11🧵

To make things even worse, I got a cold (rhinovirus) at the absolute worst time (as my mental health has been at an all time low) which just further fueled the fire.

I made the mistake on 2026, February 26th to start embracing these thoughts, feeling that I don't matter, and that it would be best for myself if I just died. My mind was set on 2026, February 28th as the date. This was careless and selfish of me, as I was putting more value in myself than I was in others. I know my family and friends would have been completely devastated had I gone through with it, as it would hurt them far more than it would hurt me, and I would never wish that pain on any of my peers. I had an intervention that lasted well over an hour, and I dropped the action.

6/11🧵

Part of the problem was getting overwhelmed by negativity, but I also found out that one of my medications was at fault. In the past week, I have had 2 breakdowns (which I felt were psychotic, and lasted for a combined total of about 3 hours) I have tried to come to terms with the label of insanity, but I don't think this is what it is.

On top of this, my work (which I am completely OCD on, and have not had a day off (not for a holiday, not for a vacation, not even when I am vomiting and feeling weak) from since at least 2016, September 26th, which is over 3434 days and counting) has been falling behind in recent months, and it has been snagging at my morale as well.

7/11🧵

I have been in pain for a long time, I am almost always feeling zoned out, and I have pondered recently what it is like to actually feel alive. My depression goes back and forth (in a bipolar way) and I have noted on February 26th that it was getting bad around 4:30 pm, way worse than normal (I have always had a side effect of my medications, where I get something similar to sundowners syndrome at around 5:00 pm (where my mind starts to get extremely negative) although I know I do not have dementia, and it has been proven medically)

8/11🧵

I have been trying a lot to try and help my ego (some ego is good, but being a narcissist is still bad, although you still need some ego in life) I have done many things. Two for example are giving up all of the unhealthy foods in my life, and going on a lighter diet (close to vegan now, I have been vegetarian (for a 3rd time) since 2025, Wednesday, November 26th, and do not intend to ever go back this time) and also to lift weights for 30 minutes a day. The endorphins released from this have been helpful, and I have been starting to get into shape. Still, it isn't enough on its own.

Despite all of this, it still feels like there is a glimmer of hope in the world. One day, things are going to change. I have always felt that I will be able to help the world with my ideas and altruism, although sometimes, I can forget this.

My work is still completely stagnant, and I hope to have a revival by the end of the year.

9/11🧵

If you are still reading this, please do not give up on life. The world still needs you to help. Your outlook on life may change completely. Tragically, this has happened many times to too many people, where they kill themselves the day before something great could happen for them. If we want to get history back into the right direction, we must realize that we are one, but when we come together, we can change history for the better. The more people that come out and stand up for what is right, the more effort that is put into this, the closer we can get back to stability.

10/11🧵

I know this is really hard to see, due to decades of institution level issues in countries like the United States that have brought us here (I am reminded of how this has been going on for decades, during the Vietnam war, there were lots of people holding signs that said "the world will end tomorrow" that was roughly 60 years ago. Humanity as a whole also survived World Wars I and II, society, while doing bad things at times, has historically always gone back towards the path of civility and reason)
there is so much we don't know, so we cannot say with complete certainty that this is the end. We can still act, we need to be brave, and we need to stand up for what is right, and not give up without helping the cause. If you were to end your life, you would be weakening the movement, and imposing your suffering on others, setting the world back.

11/11🧶
I have made a weaker anti-suicide message in the past, but I have not followed through on it as I should have. This time is different, I feel this message is probably one of the most important things I will accomplish this month.

I am going to be taking a mental health day today, but I am not going to stop my daily work. Please feel free to reach out if you want to. I have some issues I am still working out.

You matter. Don't ever forget that! And NEVER let anyone tell you otherwise!!

#suicidehotline #suicide #help #mentalhealth #health #mental #ocd #life #agnosticism #depression #ocd #autism #youmatter #dontgiveup #longpost