Mastodawn

transferred to convalescent hotel. dont have to lie in bed all day! can stand, can walk around, can… okay, can feel light-headed and lie back down again.

but i did see a copy of Azul under the coffee table…

almost have whiplash. went from "the nurses will take care of everything so you dont have to move" to "okay, here's how you do all the things you have to do, we're here to support you but mostly you do everything yourself."

and like sure makes sense but… that transition happened in about thirty minutes flat! my head is spinning. 🤣

im like suddenly an adult in charge of her own damn self again.

feels weird.

im leaning up against my room's very decorative support pillar rather than laying down cause im so tired of laying down

just checked the transit app to see what the bus line closest to the gender clinic is.

i shit you not, its 69.

just sittin on a lump of ice, now. this is my life.

the irony of my being antsy and not wanting to lie here in bed is that i would have been fine doing that before i became a gym bunny, but i became a gym bunny to prepare for this.

NO, brain, this is NOT a good time for a sex dream!

i have never in my life wanted so bad to poop

omg

omfg best poop of my life

i cannot help but imagine my organs shuffling around getting accustomed to the new layout, like clerical workers moving into a new office.

bladder: okay but where do i file my outgoing?

rectum: im wondering the same thing and why are you in my way?

bladder: ive got such a backlog, hold on. oh, i have a handy tube!

rectum: why dont i get a handy tube?

vagina: hey guys!

rectum: who the fuck are you?

bladder: she's the new girl.

urethra: guys? guys? hello? where the fuck am i?!

just casually said the phrase "my labia" and whoa what the fuck

i get to shower tomorrow.

i want to shower today.

now, in fact.

i want to be in a shower right now instead of tooting.

or lets be honest: in the shower and still tooting, just not the fediverse version. 🍑🎺

the optimized sequence of actions in different rooms that comprise my mornings feels an awful lot like those text-based gender bender slice of life games i used to play.

i went OUTSIDE!!! :D

Dammit @NicolaElle we forgot to take a selfie!

anyway Nikki was here. i promise. i have no photographic proof but i swear she was here.

i miss sleeping on my side

i just put my dilation schedule onto my calendar.

jebus freakin crow.

that is so much time.

well that was a fun emotional freakout trainwreck

brain: you know what time it is?

me: way too early in the morning of a big day for which i should have a full night's rest?

brain: wut?

me: is it sleep time?

brain: pshaw, no, its time for some shadow work!

me: i took you to therapy specifically so you could do this there and then, not here and now!

brain: so shadow work is when we…

bandages off, first look at the results, and wow so many emotions.

not all of them good. but on balance good. and as the day goes on, the balance tips further towards good.

at first look my initial response was, "yep, that's a vulva" with zero emotional response. which was… worrying.

(she also looks like she just had a fight with a wolverine, which probably didnt help.)

it felt like a lot of effort for results that didnt really tip any scales.

then i got to shower, which was an unalloyed good.

afterwards i looked in the mirror again and still felt nothing.

i reminded myself that nothing was still better than bottom dysphoria, but my bottom dysphoria has always been muted and erratic. it didnt feel like a win.

ive also still got a catheter in, and the packing material is secured with really awkward sutures in the perineum, and these things also dont help.

but then it was time to air dry, so i put on some music and laid down on my terrible hospital bed and sort of let things percolate.

how my legs and hips move is… still provisional, because of catheter and packing sutures, but i can kind of sense the shape of things to come, and that is encouraging.

theres also a ton of stubble, which is kind of tactiley terrible but will pass as hair grows back in. i kind of have to willfully discount how that feels.

and lying there, not looking at the swelling and bruising, i very gently explored with fingers and…

yeah, this will do. she *feels* right, even through the swelling and stubble, even if she doesnt look right (yet?). and i expect that to only get better once the catheter is out and i dont need to navigate around it.

and its at that point that i started smiling.

ive still got a long road ahead, but i can feel now that its gonna be good.

okay the air drying is going to drive me fucking bonkers.

Miriam's on Medical Leave Feb 24

this process alternates between transcendant vistas of self-actualization and soooo much worrying about piss and shit