Mastodawn

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>;
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it's already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

Flippin' 'eck, Tucker!Nov 21

@MorpheusB That punch line made it all worthwhile. Excellent! 👏

I normally give them a big laughter after the opening sentence, "WHOEHAHAHA! 🤣 " and then hang up. 😊

But the last time I asked the man to hold up his Microsoft-ID card and show it to the webcam. Because, "I can see you on my computer".

The answer was, after a moment of silence, a firm 'click'. 🙂

I hope I spoiled his day. 😂

@PlukkiePanda @MorpheusB
👍 😁

Petra van Cronenburg Nov 21

@PlukkiePanda 🤣 @MorpheusB

Danny Boling ☮️5d ago

perfect

Paul Chambers🚧Nov 21

@MorpheusB FYI, if you ever do get a call from microwave support, any good microwave support tech will tell you heating your food to 165°F in microwave will kill most any microwave/food related viruses without all those button pushes. lol

@paul @MorpheusB, 74°C, surely.

Paul Chambers🚧6d ago

@lp0_on_fire I'm sorry. I am American. We reject the metric system except for 1 and 2 liter bottles of soda, and if you are poor, 3-liter bottles of generic soda.

@paul @lp0_on_fire @MorpheusB and except guns

Un Bourguignon 6d ago

@paul
Yeah, you'd prefer fridge measurement for lenght (heard that some yime ago, nearly rolled on the floor laughting out loud).
@lp0_on_fire @MorpheusB

#Dgar groans.

@dgar @MorpheusB …and making YOU groan is truly a badge of honor!

@cthellis @MorpheusB 🤭

Doug 🌈🇨🇦

@MorpheusB hilarious!

@MorpheusB
(Golf clap)

Well played, well played.

@MorpheusB - well worth reading to the end. Shame too long for a Christmas cracker.

Chery (Great Australian Pods)Nov 21

Good one @MorpheusB 😂

Red Hood Nov 21

@MorpheusB
I'm borrowing this for when scammers call me. LOL

Petra van Cronenburg Nov 21

@redhoodoutlaw 👍 @MorpheusB

sonicJazzMonkey Nov 21

@MorpheusB Ha I love it. One of my favourite past times is wasting their time.

Fardels Bear Nov 21

I'm sometimes tempted to do this but usually can't be bothered. I prefer to ask, "Do your family and friends know you scam people for a living?"

I could never outdo the great Bob Servant in Delete This At Your Peril.

https://www.thebookbag.co.uk/w/index.php?title=Delete_This_at_Your_Peril:_One_Man%27s_Fearless_Exchanges_with_the_Internet_Spammers_by_Bob_Servant

Delete This at Your Peril: One Man's Fearless Exchanges with the Internet Spammers by Bob Servant - TheBookbag.co.uk book review

Viktoria D. Richards/Uddelhexe Nov 21

😂

Now you got Bob Bobsen hungry😂

Arapalla Nov 21

And I was hoping for Dr Bunsen Honeydew.

Hugh Young-Bish Nov 21

@MorpheusB
We've tried various:
1. A loud whistle.
2. Pretend to do what they say, until "Oh! A window has popped up and it says 'THE MAN ON THE PHONE IS A FV<KING CROOK!' "
3. Pretend to be bone-stupid: keep misunderstanding their instructions, make them go back to the beginning ("Where did you say you're from again?") Mishear. Eventually say your computer is a Mac, or you don't have a computer.
4. Get them talking, start pretending to be doing something that will take time, then lay the phone down and go on with what you're doing till they realise they've been talking to dead air.
4. Just keep them talking. You're protecting others and costing them money.

@hugh @MorpheusB
The time-wasting can be handed over to 'Lenny':
https://mastodon.ie/@dec23k/109746880601409387

Dec [{(:no_ai:)}] (@dec23k@mastodon.ie)

Do you hate telemarketing cold calls? Do you run #Asterisk ? Put those pesky callers through to Lenny! "Lenny simply consists of a few lines of code in Asterisk and a handful of voice recordings" Download (Zip file containing Lenny*.ulaw files) here: https://www.crosstalksolutions.com/howto-pwn-telemarketers-with-lenny/

mastodon.ie

Sweet Home Alaberta 🇨🇦 🇺🇦 🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍⚧️ 🇲🇽Nov 21

@MorpheusB
My message seems to work:
"I don't answer calls that aren't already in my comtacts. If you are trying to reach me send a text first then I'll answer your call"

@MorpheusB absolutely hilarious! Can't wait to try it, the next time I get a call from one of these lads.

Toni Aittoniemi Nov 21

@MorpheusB well wasted time!! 😃

ᴺⁱˡᶻ 🍸Nov 21

Does your device contain a lot of spam?

FandaSin Nov 21

I think I fell little bit in love with you!👏😂

Doug Baker - Elbows Up!Nov 21

@MorpheusB Well played, sir. Damned well played!

Russ Sharek Nov 21

*applause*

neodog_flag_disabled

@MorpheusB

Bloody Awful - you should be ashamed of yourself!

Got any more?

🤯Matera the Mad🤯Nov 21

@MorpheusB 🤣 I miss those calls, used to get them on my landline. I'll never forget the one when both the scam caller and I ended up laughing our asses off after my punch line ("All I see is my nice Linux desktop")

Hans Dampf Nov 21

@MorpheusB 👍 😮 ooh, burrito 🌯 😋

NerdImNetz Nov 21

Lehrerseele Nov 21

I once had a phone call with one of those guys. Told him right away I was using linux and even if he was right, I didn't think he'd be able to help me with anything.
He ignored my statement. Somewhere along the lines of "there is no start-button" and "I don't have that program", he must have realized, I was telling the truth. Just hung up on me. Rude.

nixFREAK Nov 21

@MorpheusB ha ha thats great

AskPippa🇨🇦Nov 21

@MorpheusB Hilarious. Usually, if they call here, when they ask if the computer is on I say "No. Hang on while I go upstairs to turn it on." Then I put them on hold and go make tea.

Sibrosan 6d ago

@AskPippa @MorpheusB

I responded to everything in Dutch, except when they asked if I didn't speak English, I said, Yes of course! Very well. Then went right back to Dutch. They got very very angry.

Chirisuizo, Jorge Ackermann 6d ago

@sibrosan @AskPippa @MorpheusB I just speak in Swiss German dialect, I have few such calls.

DeManiak 🇿🇦Nov 21

@MorpheusB *BEEP BEEP BEEP*

fedithom Nov 21

@MorpheusB
Very nicely done.

Back when I got a lot of calls (I was working in software tech support at the time; oh the irony) I made it a sport to keep them on the line for as long as possible. So that they couldn't scam anyone during that time.

You did well there. :)

Laurens 🧢 🐐 🔻Nov 21

@MorpheusB
'Microsoft? I use Linux!'
*beep beep beep beep...*

Muro deGrizeco 6d ago

Sometimes, I get the scam call asking me if I am interested in making my house more green.

I respond in a confused suspicious tone, demanding,

"How do you know what color my house is? Are you outside my house right now?"

Dr. Professor Fred Rococo 6d ago

@MorpheusB a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away I did tech support for a software company that sold products on "floppy" discs. Those disc drives had little latches you would flip down to secure the disc, and begin reading/writing. We called them "doors."

I was on a call with a customer who was having a problem with their software. I asked them to put the floppy disc in the drive and close the door.

I heard the phone placed on the desk, then footsteps, then the sound of a door closing, then footsteps, then the phone picked back up, and then, "OK, I've closed the door. Now what?"

Ian K. Rogers ikr?╭ರ_ಠ 6d ago

@morgan @MorpheusB Haha classic. Right up there with "I can't find the 'any' key" :D

@MorpheusB 🤣

Stuart Longland (VK4MSL)6d ago

@MorpheusB They get VERY confused when you ask for a MAC (Media Access Controller) address.

Alan Langford 🇨🇦🧤🧊摏 6d ago

@MorpheusB I kept one of those buggers on the phone for 58 minutes before he asked "okay, exactly what DO you see on the screen?"

Me: "just the usual, welcome to MS-DOS 6.00 and the C prompt!"

And oh, what a joyous little brain fuck noise he made before hanging up.

@alan There could also be "localhost login:" and a blinking line.

Alan Langford 🇨🇦🧤🧊摏 5d ago

@mkj @MorpheusB I gave the guy so many hints... First I had to find the power cord, get my monochrome monitor, the boot diskette; then when he wanted me to connect to the Internet, I was "now, what was that called? Oh yes now I remember: winsock!" He didn't pick up on any of them, which is how I almost got to the full hour. So close!

@alan No mention of kremvax?

Alan Langford 🇨🇦🧤🧊摏 5d ago

@mkj Nope, a little too obscure. I mean if winsock doesn't ring a bell...

@alan True. :-)

Danny Boling ☮️5d ago

That is positively evil. I love it! ❤️ 😂

Alan Langford 🇨🇦🧤🧊摏 5d ago

@IAmDannyBoling @MorpheusB Even evil can be used to do good work!

I have friends who call this facet of me "Evil Alan" 👹

Danny Boling ☮️5d ago

If the horns fit, I guess lol