"Dreams" - The Corrs
OK, so here's the plan. We'll launch you with a song loads of people will like but nobody will buy. Then we'll make sure you're inescapable with a fiddle-and-banjo Fleetwood Mac cover.
Sharon, Andreya, Caroline, you'll be the focal point of the band, everyone will love you. Jim, you'll be a punchline on SM:TV when they invent it later in the year.
Any questions? Good. Go!
"A little girl with a woman's voice", claims Jo Whiley. [checks calendar] Corks, we'll see Swindon's finest doctor at the start of next month.
Anyway, here's another chance to see "How do I live" performed by Leann Rimes.
"Life ain't easy" - Cleopatra
That is superb close-harmony singing from the trio. And there's the shuffle-beat, and the slightly melancholic minor key to the song.
Sure, they're dressed for Tweens Like You (TM), and the sound felt dated as soon as the year didn't begin with "1", but this song is really very good.
"Gone till november" - Wyclef Jean
Mr. Jean must have bumped into the All Saints in the dressing rooms, and somehow ended up wearing one of their camouflage jackets.
The radio edit was all melodic and dramatic, none of this rapping. Wyclef is a great live performer, but I wonder how many casual viewers this will have attracted.
"Night fever" - Adam Garcia
From the latest West End performance of "Grease".
Mr. G is on a massive disco floor, with a silver satin shirt draped around his body. Three couples gyrate on the dance floor behind him, and massive coloured lights pulse on the video screens.
Flick Colby earned her crust this week.
"Dance the night away" - The Mavericks
Another chance to enjoy the huge band, all squeezed onto the smallest corner stage.
Gawp at the brass quartet playing each other's instruments! Shriek as the bass is tuned by the drummer's stick! Chortle as the keyboardist is modulated by a guitarist.
And tap your foot to the gentle sunny song!
"Where are you" - Imaani
Whatever happened to Imaani? Stayed in the music industry, including a top twenty cover of "Freak like me" - if only she'd set it to a Gary Numan song, eh.
Imaani later worked with the funk-jazz combo Incognito, and released a few soulful tunes.
She's happy to perform at Eurovision concerts, and quite rightly so.
"Kung fu fighting" - Bus Stop ft Carl Douglas
From a Eurovision legend to Daz Sampson, who takes the riff from a classic tune, speeds it up, adds a banging beat, and tops the mix with a rap worthy of Wyclef Jean.
Carl Douglas, the original singer, is also on stage to mime the "whoa-oh-oh"s.
Imaani finished second in her Eurovision; Daz will barely make the top twenty in eight years' time.
"Stranded" - Lutricia McNeal
You may remember how a subtle video effect made Five Star pop out of the screen twelve years ago.
Here, a gratuitous video effect - removing most of the red from the picture - is completely unconvincing, and makes the visuals look entirely naff.
Which is a shame, because Lutricia has some of the greatest soul pipes we've heard tonight. This song deserved better.
"Feel it" - The Tamperer ft Maya
"What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?" Changing Rooms was absolutely off their face that week!
Anyway, I promised an explanation of the samples. You'll probably know "Can you feel it" by The Jacksons, which does most of the heavy lifting - the chugging backbeat, the chorus's lift and flourishes.
"Feel it" - The Tamperer ft Maya
The lyric comes from "Wanna drop a house (on that bitch)" by Urban Discharge, a pumpy-thumpy hard house tune from 1995 which achieved reasonable success in clubs.
Original vocal was by "She", later known as Heather Leigh West; she remained active in the dance scene into the 2010s.
"The heroes" - Shed Seven
I was going to make a crack about how this band had a lineup of Caramel, Dairy Milk, Twirl, Wispa, and The Eclair That's Always The Last One Left In The Box.
Except that the chocolate heroes won't be launched until next year. Bother.
Still more interesting than this indie landfill.
"Under the bridge", "Lady mamalade" - All Saints
Having lost their combat jackets to Wyclef Jean last week, the Saints are on a little podium in the middle of the crowd, which gives some unusual shots and clear sightlines.
Less convinced by the shot direction, at one point panning along the line so that we're looking at Saints waiting for their cue.
And, just when we're worried they'll stop, they play both sides of the song.
More #TOTP at 9.50 with Dame Jakki Brambles.
"Insanity" - Oceanic
Jorinde is the singer, David and Frank on the keyboards. I have no clue who the goons dancing are.
"Insanity" was the apotheosis of happy house, uplifting music with a fast beat. Massive in the north, huge in Scotland, but derided in That London. If you wanted to hear this, you had to buy the single, radio would not play it.
"Charly" - The Prodigy
Last year, we saw the show from two weeks earlier, so quite a few songs might ring a few bells.
This one was huge in the South, so Radio 1 played it to death. Of course.
"Let's talk about sex" - Salt & Pepa
Here's the video.
Few rappers have one signature hit, something remembered through the ages. This group have *two*, we can all recognise "Push it".
"Sunshine on a rainy day" - Zoë
We're into the section of stars who I might have had a crush on at the time... and I now don't recall why.
"Sunshine on a rainy day" had just missed the charts in summer 1990, eclipsed by such classics as "Turtle power" and Timmy F***in' Mallett. Where are those chancers now, eh?
"What can you do for me" - Utah Saints
The legend begins here; a sample from The Eurythmics, more keyboards than a typewriter shop, enough flashing lights for a month.
This is an absolute kick up the jacksie, radically different from the glossy pop and shuffling dance, and it's still accessible to the casual listener.
"Word is out" - Kylie Minogue
Don't think I've heard this in at least twenty years, and certainly don't recall the performance.
Rather good acting from Kylie, she can tell a story in mime and someone else's lyrics.
Shame the song is completely forgettable.
Oh gawds, breakers.
"Primal scream"- Mötley Crüe, don't think the Scots baggies returned the favour.
"Peace" - Sabrina Johnson, turned into a massive hit.
"Makin' happy" - Crystal Waters. It's no "la da dee", is it?
"The big l" - Roxette, feels like something to keep them on MTV Europe ahead of a better single in the autumn.
"Everything I do (I do it for you)" - Bryan Adams
Nine down, several squillion to go.
Is there anything left to be said about this song? Thought not.
Right, I shall call it a night there. After #TOTP with Peter "Mittens!" Powell, it's "Songs inspired by movies", which could be anything.
Radio 2 in the Park all weekend, lots of sets on the wireless, highlights on BBC2, with headliners Bryan Adams and Def Leppard.
Won't be with you next week, so whatever you're doing, have a wonderful time!
Our group declare to be true
Tracey S
Girl about village
Chris D.