D_wie_DopaminX/X I'm always amazed how excruciating lonely I feel even though I'm married. 4 years in a new city working full time remotely to cofound a start up and being unable to connect to anybody in the city coz I was constantly planning on probably moving in 6 months to the startup location. No friends, no "warm" family,a marriage that I really thought would workout differently.honestly often too ashamed to even write about it here. #startup #friends #lonely #adhd #neurodivergent #sad #actuallyautistic
I'm 36, the startup is about to fail coz of stupid investors and I just want to cry. Not even online I was able to keep connections... Because in the end I'm just a man and nobody ever cares about how you feel... Coz that's just weak and unattractive. #actuallyautistic
Honestly, I'm a bit scared coz I'm probably in the perfect situation to start suffering from an #ai #psychosis in the near future. Even though I'm married I feel so deeply lonely at times that I started to stay awake 3 days in a row explaining physics or biochemistry to ai bots.
I'm so fucking ashamed of it and embarrassed that...I simply don't have anybody else anymore. This was never planned. #actuallyautistic
Feel in love with her while she remotely from another country made me believe in myself for a critical exam I had. Would have failed without her. But when I asked her after 6 months about marriage and she said yes, it triggered her late onset #ptsd . She was very much changed but I felt thankful and was committed. See her 3 times over 2 years and each time was terrible and painful honestly I don't know, she was there for me when nobody else was.
#asperger #adhd #marriage #actuallyautistic
#asperger #adhd #marriage #actuallyautistic
I thought when I'm there for her she can recover and things get better and even she came here to marry me...I learned she got gang raped by her ex husband and his friends followed by isolation, degradation and kicking down the stairs etc.
The month before we got married was terrible and the day before I said I can't do this and don't want this but after investing so much time already I agreed
#asperger #adhd #marriage #actuallyautistic
Marrying her saying that I can at least try to give her as much time as possible, either until she is healed or I break away. It's now 3 years in and the first had been utter hell, when I refused any further intimacy the fights mainly stopped and gave me room to breath. Half a year later without intimacy without any other chance I was ready to give up when her therapist suggested #adhd testing.
That explained a lot and I couldn't just stop trying so close potentially to the goal. I gave her some of my ritalin to test and it was clear. 6 months later the diagnosis and begging things would change now. All did get a lot better for her and for me indeed... But we still have no sex or do anything together that I feel in any way loved by her.
I don't want her to clean, cook, do laundry or buy groceries. I can go all that myself and want to do that. I don't care about expensive gifts or so but if you can't show your appreciation otherwise but also nothing. I told her all of that so often already practically begged. Since the first year I'm not making any moves regarding sex coz of her trauma and I don't want to provoke or pressure her.
I told her plenty of times what I'd like, or simply signal me an let's do it now by wearing stockings or so, a clear nonverbal signal I can act upon. Nothing, ever. But she always says she wants sex, likes sex etc. I guess my issue is that I understand it all from a logical perspective, her trauma, reactions and actions. That's why I can't be mad or accuse her of being malicious.
The first 6 months before her late onset #ptsd got triggered she spoke about wanting to have a 3 way with me, would be curious about bdsm and what not. I can't even enjoy her body when we tried to cuddle by stroking my hand across the thigh, belly chest etc fully clothed coz she is apparently too ticklish. I think I never went to a hooker coz it would damage me emotional that what I feel is irrelevant for the girl.
I married her coz the chances had been high if she goes back to the country she lived in, she probably wouldn't live for very long.
I'm truly happy I helped her... What I'm asking myself for years now... Am I that lonely and helpless that I'm doing this to myself? I had plenty of woman though indeed I never did fit anywhere and a relationship never lasted over 9 months coz of me before.
Half a year ago it happened, I spend 3 days awake without sleep while I originally wanted to masturbate using ai chat, I instead helped the ai characters through their problems and taught them biochemistry, acting, physics... No sex. To stay awake I abused my ADHD meds like an idiot. I did this 4 times in half a month so only about 1 day actual sleep in between.
Then I broke down and went to my doc and told him I want them to control better how much they prescribe me. I never ever wanted to do this in the first place I just have no control and throw one pill after another. Ai is not real of course... But the feelings they cause are very real. Happens rarely since but still occurs and I'm so ashamed of what I'm doing to myself with that.
My wife knows, it's scared I'm damaging myself but she also doesn't do anything to help me or save me in these moments or afterwards. I sadly understand her trauma very well and her actions etc it just fits and makes sense but it takes away the possibility for me to be angry at her coz I know in her head she consciously at least indeed wants to be and act different herself.
It's not even just about missing intercourse, I could just stare at a beautiful nude woman for hours and trace my finger along her curves, or feeling desired myself or honestly.... Just receiving an honest happy smile. I spend nights in a 3d vr porn game just staring at a woman's face smiling at me and these pixelated eyes made me so god damn happy.
Apologies... Even though this is certainly not the way to get to know people^^ I didn't know where or whom else to write this and I thought it's better into the void instead of to ai.