Mastodawn

2 years ago, my first pills of #estrogen and #spiro arrived in the mail after I ordered them from a pharmacy in Thailand (mom's only concern was thinking ordering from an international source would've opened up the risk of the pills being tainted with fentanyl). While I ordered the pills to silence doubts running in my brain (the #HRT consultation from Planned Parenthood was scheduled for October...and I wasn't willing to wait that long having doubts), the second the E went under my tongue, I felt an intense warmness (which in hindsight was placebo since E doesn't even start having mental effects until a couple weeks in) amidst a taste akin to that of cotton candy. Almost as if my body was telling me "Girl, you're trans. No need to doubt anymore." The further along I've gone, the more secure in myself that this was one of the best decisions I've ever made....and one I should've made sooner.

While the #gendereuphoria of putting on the dress at the start was what gave me my Danny DeVito-esque moment of silently saying "Oh my God, I get it", feeling and noticing my body slowly morph has been a wonder--softening of skin, boobs, shifting around of body fat, developing hips/thighs/ass, etc. I've also tried developing my own forms of fashion that comes in three flavors (sometimes intermixed with each other): 1). goth-chic, 2) Flamgirlant (aggressively feminine in a flamboyant manner), and 3) as slutty as acceptable in public spaces in a conservative state. Social transition has been the slowest for me thanks to me being supercharged to be bullheadish-ly me (perhaps emboldened by the continuing aftershocks of #gendereuphoria), but sometimes I make unconscious and subtle steps towards social transition....but not fast enough.

[TO BE CONTINUED]

#trans #transition #transfemme #Transfem #transfeminine #transgirl #transwoman #update #girlslikeus #life #rambles #transbian #translesbian

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Adrienne Harper Aug 10

(#TransitionTimeline Part 2 of 3)

Lately, I've felt (due to a combination of skewed decision-making from a false sense of "reach out and seize the day" in regards to attempts at interpersonal relationships (one area where it doesn't work) and not asking if something's okay before I say it) that I've hurt the local queer community and one person in particular (who will remain nameless but they know who they are)--and the guilt at realizing that "I'm the problem" in that situation is one that's prompted some heavy #therapy, looking into slower ways at interacting with new people, looking at some of my personality flaws/toxic habits in a bid to swap them out/develop them into healthier ones, finding effective ways to manage my depressive spells (I've noticed that while #HRT has allowed me to feel my positive emotions better, the negative emotions hit stronger than before as well), and trying to start with friendship first. This is stuff I should've done years ago and that I (wrongly) assumed that HRT would solve on its own--HRT can do a lot of things, but it isn't a miracle drug for mental health or a substitute for therapy.

But while this past June was #orchiectomy time, I feel as though I'm looking into two future surgeries: #vaginoplasty and #BreastAugmentation. Doing the research on my own now to determine which doc is right for me with each. I'm grateful for my supportive family who want to look after me while I recover (and did so with the orchi). However, this does limit me to surgeons in the Midwest, so that does mean me looking around and taking notes on aspects of several given docs (on factors like wait times, methods, what insurance they take, and satisfaction from former patients) to determine the right call. I've heard horror stories of botches of both surgeries and I do NOT want that. But I also have to consider that--with the reigning fascist dictatorship--the clock is ticking for me being able to get any of these surgeries for the foreseeable future.

Overall, even if being trans has some societal and mental stresses, I'm more content inside than before. Before my egg cracked, I felt like I was in a neutral state as if I was coasting through life no matter how determined I was. In fact, me ruthlessly pursuing my academics at uni at the expense of a social life might have delayed the introspection needed to have my #EggCrack happen MUCH earlier.

[TO BE CONCLUDED]

#transgender #trans #transgirl #rambles

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Adrienne Harper

(#TransitionTimeline Part 3 of 3)

But nowadays? Even in my low points, I feel an intensity that was missing inside through my first 27 years of life (outside of getting emotional over music and film). An intensity that shows that I was never 'male' to begin with. I fully believe that on the night I first put on that black dress, the real me was instinctively urging me to put it on so that I finally realized myself.

I'm glad I did.

Anyways, here is a timelapse of some photos in chronological order throughout the transition. The first photo was taken the day before I started #HRT and the final photo was taken today.

#trans #girlslikeus #transfem #transfemme #transfeminine #transbian #translesbian #transgirl #transwoman #transition #update #rambles #life