Manuela Malasañaslight tangent from my ramblings in the other thread about depression and motivation to not let everything fall apart, you gotta feel it out on a case by case basis, but I've found the best way to help a person with anxiety is to be socially present but not do stuff for them, while the best way to help someone with depression is to give them space but do as much of the work for them as you can - ie, don't just say "your favorite band is in town" link the site selling tickets in your DM
additionally, speaking from my own experience with depression, in a depressive episode im much more likely to respond to friends asking if i want to do dinner if they say "do you want to get dinner at [restaurant]?" rather than "do you want to grab dinner?" because at that point no manner of cuisine seems appealing so just pick one for me i do not care
It's generally not a great idea to do stuff for a person with anxiety because then they're gonna worry if you'll be offended if they don't end up making use of whatever you did or if it means you think they can't handle life or if they'll be beholden to you. With depression not comorbid with anxiety they doooo noooot careee
ubiAlso important to note, do not do nice things for someone with depression expecting reciprocity, the reason to do nice things for someone with depression is that they are your friend and their happiness pleases you
actually that applies to everyone, it's just more bluntly apparent with people in a major depressive episode
A great way to help a friend with anxiety is to listen to them and give them a safe space to vent without feeling like they are being frivolous or overreacting. A great way to help a friend with depression is to regularly send them memes or videos or other dumb things they might like even though they don't respond so that they don't feel like they've starved all their friendships and are forgotten by the world and have nowhere to turn once they actually do feel like talking
those friends who have sent me dumb bullshit every now and then even when i don't respond for weeks have honestly been a real lifeline - in the lowest part of a depressive episode you don't realize you're drowning, and if you start to improve enough to become cognizant of how bad things are, you're desperate for anything you can grab onto to keep from sinking back to the depths. This, not the absolute lowest point, is actually the most dangerous part of the depressive cycle
Another important distinction between depression and anxiety is that while "I'm here if you want to talk [about what is making you unhappy]"/"do you want to talk about it [what is making you unhappy]?" may be great lifelines for someone with anxiety, who may want to talk but don't want to pour out their sorrows on someone uninvited, in the case of major depression, nothing is making them unhappy, there is nothing to say, your offer is a conversational dead end
he he he bless my wonderful friends but over the years, whenever I have hinted I'm in a depressive episode, often someone will tell me some variation of "you have tremendous value as a person, you are very skilled and you are very likable" which is like, you know, I don't mind being told that, in fact, please do whether im in a depressive episode or not, but I already know I'm awesome, have rare talent and great charm. my depression is not driven by misery, my misery is driven by depression
On the opposite side, something I hear a lot from friends with anxiety is fear that their friends are getting tired of them or that they are actually not good at their hobbies and just humored by friends out of politeness, and other worries related to being afraid they have a higher opinion of themselves than is actually warranted, and in this case affirmations can have a lot of positive impact, even the smallest praise can bring great comfort
(please praise me too, i do so love being flattered, but i can survive without it)
A note on sending people back to back DMs or texts when they do not respond: "Hi"/"hey"/"what's up" are terrible because then you're asking them to come up with something to talk about. if i see in a DM history 5 back to back "hi"s it kinda makes me dislike them a bit because it's like they keep asking me to entertain them when i haven't got the energy for that. but if i have a DM history with 5 back to back stupid pictures, if one makes me laugh i then have something to reply about
Also I should clarify on "don't do stuff for people with anxiety" I mean don't do favors/make gifts for them specifically because they're in a low point, if you regularly give friends baked goods then by all means go for it. But if you do an anxious friend a big favor and they know it's because they are so visibly unhappy it might backfire (as always, feel this out on a case by case basis)
doing depressed friends favors because they are so depressed is actually helpful, particularly if those favors are staunching the wound of their lack of functionality (I have at points in the past gotten by on rice and whatever food nice friends gave me)
In my experience, anxious friends in a low point love to get things that are personal to them but have a perceived low cost to you, like if you're an artist they'd be delighted by a sketch of their OC but if you present them with a polished piece that you clearly labored over for hours they're gonna start worrying about how they can repay the favor and feel bad that their unhappiness incurred such a great cost to your time etc
Meanwhile in depression land, a friend once spent hours unfucking the state of my home and it was a real godsend
✧✦Catherine✦✧@Xibanya sssooo what do you do if someone has depression and anxiety. Asking for a friend
@whitequark ask them what they'd prefer
@Xibanya (the friend is me. i have anxiety and depression. whenever someone asks what i prefer i just say "nothing". this is probably suboptimal)
@whitequark well if someone's offering, never a bad idea to ask for food lol
@whitequark if you have friends offering to help and you have some latitude to request whatever you want within reason, imo prioritize stabilizing your physical health. if you're starving because you have no food but going to the grocery store seems insurmountable (this is often me) ask for food. If you have food but your home's a mess ask for help cleaning. if you don't have a car and have been putting off major errands ask them to drive you around for an afternoon
@Xibanya thanks!
@whitequark hang in there, you got this
@whitequark oOOh I just remembered that when I had to use public laundromats, the best favor to ask of a friend who has their own washing machine is to do a load of laundry at their place. They are happy because you let them help you, but you don't have to feel too bad about it because it's basically no work for them but it saves you a huge amount of time and effort
@Xibanya i'm in the UK, i have a washing machine at home. really most of my issues boil down to "it's very difficult to keep up with chores with severe chronic pain"
@whitequark also if you know them well enough you may be able to figure it out without asking. I have a friend with both depression and anxiety and he can't bear to be "indebted" to someone so he may be starving and not feeding himself but still not accept food. but he is very much cheered up by gifts of art
Frost, glow wolf 🐺
@Xibanya I gotta remember that. And send friends more stuff.
Ewen Bell 📸
Darth Depro@Xibanya
Thanks.
As a medically diagnosed depression suffer due to trauma (wife passed away in my arms due to heart attach while having horrendous cancer), that's the things that cheers me up.
Also, I don't know if all depression sufferers feels this way, but the deeper I'm down, the more I want to joke to make that pain go away.
Think Robin Williams was the same.
Only 3 years and still the pain is there.
Again thank you
Thanks.
As a medically diagnosed depression suffer due to trauma (wife passed away in my arms due to heart attach while having horrendous cancer), that's the things that cheers me up.
Also, I don't know if all depression sufferers feels this way, but the deeper I'm down, the more I want to joke to make that pain go away.
Think Robin Williams was the same.
Only 3 years and still the pain is there.
Again thank you
Yukari Hafner 
@Xibanya Yea, as I've had to tell the person I won't name but you probably know who I mean: you do nice things for people because you care about them and want to see them have a better life. That does not entitle you to expect anything in return, because you did it for yourself in the first place.
And if you have friends who never give you anything out of their own volition, easy: :sever:
Kim Scheinberg@Xibanya
I find Allie Brosh to have nailed the depression response perfectly with:
"The problem might not even have a solution. But you aren't necessarily looking for solutions. You're maybe just looking for someone to say "sorry about how dead your fish are" or "wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though."
Amongst my prone to depression friends (of which I am one), "sorry your fish are dead" is excellent shorthand
https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
Jer