AJ SadauskasJun 5, 2025
The word "startup" often doesn't mean what people think it means.

What people think it means: An innovative new tech company that uses the lean startup and agile development methodologies. The business has a small team that tests hypothesis by creating minimum viable products that are reproducable, and can be scaled up rapidly.

What it actually means: A new tech company that often has no business plan, and creates the minimum product it needs to grift money from venture capitalists. The VCs, in turn, hope that cash and hype will allow them to either grift a takeover out of a big tech company (like Google or Microsoft) that's trying to protect a monopoly, or grift cash from Wall Street.

#startup
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@aj

DETAILS:

Phase 1: After taking vows of celibacy and abstinence and forgoing all of our material possessions for homespun robes, we (viz. appended resumes) will move into a modest complex of scavenged refrigerator boxes in the central Gobi Desert, where real estate is so cheap that we are actually being paid to occupy it, thereby enhancing shareholder value even before we have actually done anything. On a daily ration consisting of a handful of uncooked rice and a ladleful of water, we will [begin to do stuff].

Phase 2, 3, 4, . . . , n - 1: We will [do more stuff, steadily enhancing shareholder value in the process] unless [the earth is struck by an asteroid a thousand miles in diameter, in which case certain assumptions will have to be readjusted; refer to Spreadsheets 397-413].

Phase n: Before the ink on our Nobel Prize certificates is dry, we will confiscate the property of our competitors, including anyone foolish enough to have invested in their pathetic companies. We will sell all of these people into slavery. All proceeds will be redistributed among our shareholders, who will hardly notice, since Spreadsheet 265 demonstrates that, by this time, the company will be larger than the British Empire at its zenith.

SPREADSHEETS: [Pages and pages of numbers in tiny print, conveniently summarized by graphs that all seem to be exponential curves screaming heavenward, albeit with enough pseudo-random noise in them to lend plausibility].

RESUMES: Just recall the opening reel of The Magnificent Seven and you won’t have to bother with this part; you should crawl to us on hands and knees and beg us for the privilege of paying our salaries.

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#Funny #Startups #BusinessPlan #Cryptonomicon

Jun 5, 2025 at 2:53amWeb