"I wanna be the only one" - Eternal and Bebe Winans
Gospel choir, check.
Singer doing live vocals to slightly distract from the way we've heard this song a zillion times before, check.
Something a bit familiar for the people who tune in once a year and want to think "what *has* pop music done... oh, this one. Quite like it." Check.
"Tubthumping" - Chumbawumba
No, young Nutter, you cannot say "pissing" at 1.24 on Christmas afternoon.
Not on BBC1.
Try Channel 4, where the Alternative Christmas Message will be a plea for peace in Northern Ireland from schoolgirl Margaret G.
"Freed from desire" - Gala
A very interesting liturgical point in this song.
"Free from desire, my incenses purifiy her."
A) Gala believes she is one of the Magi, clearly the dancers are Johnny Gold and Frank Myrrh.
2) Gala also posits that Jesus was not bound to gendered pronouns.
"Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas!"
"Time to say goodbye" - Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli
Germany's biggest selling single ever.
Narrowly lost at the 1995 San Remo festival, which means in another universe *this* won the Eurovision Song Contest.
I recall that Bocelli was the subject of a hagiography-slash-concert on Classic FM over the festive period. Anything to shift a few "units".
"Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia
All live, all acoustic, all wonderful.
All completely wasted on an audience trying to cover up the shrieks from the kitchen because the bread sauce has made a bid for freedom and taken the sprouts with it.
Performance of the night? Already?!
"Encore une fois" / "Ecuador" / "Stay" - Sash!
Mate, we're not saying that all three of your hit singles follow the same formula and are completely interchangeable.
He didn't win a Smash Hits award - Best Dance Act went to Eternal (!). Some of the folk who did:
Backstreet Boys - Best Foreign Group, Album, Video
Louise - Most Fanciable Female, Best Solo Female Singer, Best Dressed Female
Kavana - Best Solo Male Singer
"You might need somebody" - Shola Ama
We gave one hundred people one hundred seconds to name a dodgy nineties cover.
Twelve said this song.
Four people remembered "Torn" was a cover, well done if you got that at home.
Best answer on the board was MXM's Italiohouse cover of "Nothing compares 2 u", which is a) utter rubbish and b) would have put £250 into the jackpot.
"Free" - Ultra Naté
The powerful soul vocals of the midsummer, after Gala had run her course. And we missed that bit of the summer for, um, editorial reasons.
Don't think we get to complete the powerhouse trio with Rosie Gaines, sadly. That would have been competition for the heavy storm blowing outside.
"Never ever" - All Saints
Chris Cowey is producing his first Christmas #TOTP, and I'm surprised he has only got one of his most-played records on the show.
"Don't speak". "Love shine a light". "Closer than close". "Open road". All missing.
"Never ever", approaching Wet Wet Wet levels of ubiquity. Thank goodness we won't see it next week, because there's no edition next week.
"Say what you want" - Texas
Promoted, in part, by Chris Evans when he was the Radio 1 Breakfast host. By the end of 1997, he'd moved to Virgin 1215, and bought the station.
Radio 1's Christmas schedule included "A Very Spicey Christmas", "The Story of The Shirehorses", an hour with Noel Gallagher, and "A Christmas Carol" as told by intrepid flying traffic reporter Major Hold-Ups.
"Barbie girl" - Aqua
Won the NME Brat Award for Worst Single of the year, which just shows how little NME readers knew then. Or now.
Back at Smash Hits, Dr "Neil" Fox won Best DJ, Paul Nicholls and Martine McCutcheon the acting gongs, Lily Savage the best comedy, and Men in Black the best film.
Had Smash Hits lived, I reckon "Barbie The Move" would have won its year. Easily.
"Something about the way you look tonight" - Elton John
It is rumoured that a few people bought this record for the B-side. People are strange.
A few more Smash Hits winners
Oasis - best indie band
Ronan Keating - best-dressed bloke
Diana Princess of Wales - hero
Peter Andre - sad loser of '97
Goodiebags working a double shift, and how on earth have they not had Steps in the studio yet? Number one is
"Too much" - Spice Girls
Another lush, string-drenched song, relaxing into a warm bubble bath after a hard hour trying to carve a turkey, and making the mental note "next year, a nut roast".
Next on BBC1: The Two Ronnies Christmas Show. Big movies are The Flintstones and The Mask
Until next year's #TOTP plays next year's hits, have a happy Christmas!
This edition of #TOTP was made in a week when Television Centre was closed because they'd found asbestos fibres. No new studio performances could be made.
"Give a little love" - Aswad
The group show life in the south of France, as one does.
It's the follow-up to their Tina Turner cover "Don't turn around", and somewhat less well remembered.
"Voyage voyage" - Desireless
From a French video to a video in French.
Desireless is surely a prototype for La Roux, haircut and synth sound and high art videos and slightly unsettling chord changes.
"I saw him standing there" - Tiffany
Take a classic Beatles song. Flip the lyric so that it sounds heteronormative. Get a throaty rock chick singer.
And then give a tinny synth backing, and a crap box of sound effects.
And then wonder why even Tiffany's fans are thinking "is that a shark beneath her feet?" and "is it time to think again about Debbie Gibson?"
Tiffany deserves better than this.
Breakers!
"Doctorin' the tardis" - The Timelords. A song to make us think we've all gone bonkers.
"Don't call me baby" - Voice of the Beehive. A song to make us think "never mind Debbie Gibson, we have new crushes. Swoon!"
"Another weekend" - Five Star. A song to make us think they were so much better a couple of years ago. Hope they improve in the next ten months, otherwise there will be difficult questions.
"Somewhere in my heart" - Aztec Camera
Safely repeated from two weeks ago, when there were no loose fibres from Peter Powell's cricket jumper to be seen.
Roddy Frame and his band have their second crowning moment of awesome. Is this better than "Oblivion"? Don't know, don't care, both brilliant.
"Lost in you" - Rod Stewart
Trying to wear a hat as well as Brinsley from Aswad, and failing miserably.
A tedious driving-rock song just made to be heard on the motorways. That's in the queues at the M5-M6 interchange, enough to make a bad and tedious situation even worse.
"With a little help from my friends" - Wet Wet Wet
From the album "Sgt. Pepper Knew My Father", a collection of Beatles covers raising money for charity. One of the NME's better ideas.
"Circle in the sand" - Belinda Carlisle
As requested, the groundbreaking state-of-the-art video.
They're using computers compositing to make it look like there are movies on the mirrors and bedsheets.
Isn't technology wonderful! Next thing we know, it'll let us see this episode again in about four decades' time.
Our first Mystery Year was 1988. The BBC studios were declared fit for use over the weekend.
"Saved" - Elkie Brooks
It's a bit musical theatre, this. Ought to come from Jesus Crikey Superstore, or Codspill.
Elkie proves that she can do the upbeat tunes as well as the deep ballads.
"Halfway down the stairs" - Robin from The Muppet Show
On the flip side, there's a version of "Mah na mah na", later interpolated on songs by Robbie Williams and Vanilla.
Legs and Co danced to Piero Umiliani's original just a few weeks earlier.
Robin The Frog, nephew of the great Kermit. This, folks, is Pop Muppet.
To quote m'learned friend @girlabtvillage
"Allinson, your "this isn't Popmuppet" line wasn't funny or clever the first few times you said it, so just stop already ffs."
"Rhapsody" - The Four Seasons
Following up their classic "December '63" with a song we don't hear quite as much today.
"The shuffle" - Van McCoy
Danced by 40% of Legs & Co.
A routine they absolutely loved and played three times. And, when they repeated these episodes last decade, they snipped this performance three times.
Hope it's worth it.
Not worth a 13-year wait, no.
"Too hot to handle" - Heatwave, a group who haven't quite got the hang of this newfangled promo film idea.
"A woman in love" - Twiggy
This is really rather good. Written by Dominic Bugatti and Frank Musker
... who later recorded as The Dukes
... and performed on #TOTP with Richard Darbyshire
... who later formed Living In A Box.
And that's how Twiggy helped blow the house down.
"Lido shuffle" - Boz Scaggs. A better example of the pop film, on the grounds that we can actually see what's happening.
"Come with me" - Jesse Green
Mr. Green performs in a massive hat, in front of an even larger Union Flag, perhaps reminding us that it's jubilee weekend soon.
A sort of light reggae that washes over us.
Warning of potential Wrong Sort of Shiny for the next performance.
"Got to give it up" - Marvin Gaye. All of Legs & Co perform this routine, in front of flashing lights, alternating silhouettes and spotlights.
"So you win again" - Hot Chocolate
"They're bound to have an enormous smash" said Little Noely. All predictions wrong or your money back.
Erroll finds the camera, and does those eyes like he's been taking lessons off Natalie Imbruglia.
"You're moving out today" - Carole Bayer Sager
Co-written with Bette Midler, performed by a nice Jewish girl from mid-Manhattan. Hear cries of “oy vey” and “pastrami on rye” as the narrator takes control of her life and orders her loser-boyfriend to pack his things and take a hike.
It’s the rat-a-tat delivery, the way she doesn’t give him a chance to get a word in edgeways. “Pack up your rubber duck, I’d like to wish you luck. Your funny cigarettes, your sixty-one cassettes.”
Our group declare to be true
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