Golden Retriever GFI was diagnosed with OCD when most people are diagnosed but not when the first symptoms appear. Puberty. But the first time I ever remember symptoms was first grade when I made my first perfect 'o' then skipped recess trying to replicate it. The thing is that it was invisible until it wasn't.
My mother is where I got my OCD from. Not like she gave it to me. Like Genetically and I never knew. One of the driving factors of OCD is shame. So it was not until I was almost 30 and recently divorced that my mother was cleaning my dishwasher and said,
"My number is the same as yours and you scared me half to death. I could never tell you because I was so ashamed"
The number. A lot of people with OCD have a number that is perfect. A number we count to. Pair to and jive to. I probably picked it up from small compulsions my mother performed. Once again the unseen.
I was always curious about how my wifish was so good with OCD then she asked her mother if she was sure she had the right keys. She went outside and checked every. single. lock. this key opened. There was nothing Tally could do to stop her. With dawning horror I understood the patterns, cleaning and methodical habits. I knew why I recognized them. They were the same as mine.
My mother was raised to believe this was religious. There was no help for her and this was just the devil shaming her. My mother in law was raised in a barn. I was diagnosed. Given help. Years of therapy. Just one or two generations and there was no help. Another one or two and the answer was a life in Hospital. My grandfather saved my grandmother from a lobotomy but not electroshock therapy. My dad deals with abandonment trauma like I do because his mom was constantly in hospital.
These illnesses are silent not by choice but because most people can barely deal with me being in a mental hospital twice, they would look at me like I was demon possessed if I started countin outloud. I appreciate that they are getting louder. That tolerance is increasing. But I hold space for those that couldn't. I give patience for those that were never told something so simple as "it's okay, it's gonna be okay".
LikeI know left handed people that were beaten in catholic school and they are in their thirties. Not 80. This world is cruel enough without me shoooting down the trenches, or questioning why people are the way they are. Why they are maladapted. This world is a cruel place. It was cruel to me, my mother, my sister, my brother and my grandmother. I won't make it crueler because help wasn't available or for any reason at all. It's cruel enough without my critique on a society that runs on rules I was never given but punished for not following.
#streamofconciousness #mentalhealth #ocd #bipolar #schizophrenia
My mother is where I got my OCD from. Not like she gave it to me. Like Genetically and I never knew. One of the driving factors of OCD is shame. So it was not until I was almost 30 and recently divorced that my mother was cleaning my dishwasher and said,
"My number is the same as yours and you scared me half to death. I could never tell you because I was so ashamed"
The number. A lot of people with OCD have a number that is perfect. A number we count to. Pair to and jive to. I probably picked it up from small compulsions my mother performed. Once again the unseen.
I was always curious about how my wifish was so good with OCD then she asked her mother if she was sure she had the right keys. She went outside and checked every. single. lock. this key opened. There was nothing Tally could do to stop her. With dawning horror I understood the patterns, cleaning and methodical habits. I knew why I recognized them. They were the same as mine.
My mother was raised to believe this was religious. There was no help for her and this was just the devil shaming her. My mother in law was raised in a barn. I was diagnosed. Given help. Years of therapy. Just one or two generations and there was no help. Another one or two and the answer was a life in Hospital. My grandfather saved my grandmother from a lobotomy but not electroshock therapy. My dad deals with abandonment trauma like I do because his mom was constantly in hospital.
These illnesses are silent not by choice but because most people can barely deal with me being in a mental hospital twice, they would look at me like I was demon possessed if I started countin outloud. I appreciate that they are getting louder. That tolerance is increasing. But I hold space for those that couldn't. I give patience for those that were never told something so simple as "it's okay, it's gonna be okay".
LikeI know left handed people that were beaten in catholic school and they are in their thirties. Not 80. This world is cruel enough without me shoooting down the trenches, or questioning why people are the way they are. Why they are maladapted. This world is a cruel place. It was cruel to me, my mother, my sister, my brother and my grandmother. I won't make it crueler because help wasn't available or for any reason at all. It's cruel enough without my critique on a society that runs on rules I was never given but punished for not following.
#streamofconciousness #mentalhealth #ocd #bipolar #schizophrenia