Mastodawn

SleepyCatten (Barely Surviving Arc)

Hey lovely folks of fedi who are anywhere on the asexual spectrum

A friend of ours¹ thinks they might be asexual, but they're doing the doubting questioning thing (i.e., the thing we mostly all do with sexuality, gender, romanticity, neurodivergence etc.)

Please may we call upon your collective knowledge and experiences to share what asexuality means for you and help us bust some myths for others who might be questioning too?

Thank you kindly in advance

Boosts appreciated

#asexual #demisexual #greysexual #graysexual #queer #LGBTQ+ #LGBTQIA+ #AskFedi

¹ Yes: we genuinely are asking for a friend! We are very much allosexual ourselves 😅😳

Edit: Changed the link, per a recommendation for a better wiki page 🥰

Edit 2: Thank you to all your varied answers so far! Please keep them coming! Hopefully this will help our friend and others who are questioning. But anyone wondering about us, your experiences very much confirm how allosexual we are 😅😳

Asexual

LGBTQIA

Psotle Aug 2, 2024

Asexuality for me means I just don't relate to sex in the way most people do. I'm not adverse to sexual contact and I do get aroused, but I never get the spontaneous desire for that directed at a particular person.

Biggest thing is not to sweat it! There's a lot of pressure on people to be sexual and sexually available to others within our society.

Always trust yourself, your own gut, desires and boundaries.

Feel free to pick up and discard labels as you feel they work for you

anarchy_punk_genderfluid

@psotle @SleepyCatten This. ☝🏻 Basically what would have said but no need to repeat it.

jendefer Aug 2, 2024

@SleepyCatten I relate to what @psotle said. #Asexuality is a broad term that covers a lot of variety. For me, I never understood what sexy meant or why so many people seemingly can't resist each other.

It was a relief to find a label to open the conversation with my spouse of ten years. That we didn't need to keep looking for something that worked for me... What works for me is to stop trying. And that's okay! And it's not a rejection of my partner, but an acknowledgement of myself.

SleepyCatten (Barely Surviving Arc)Aug 2, 2024

@psotle Today we learned you're asexual 🥰

BlahajWavingAsexualFlag

Psotle Aug 2, 2024

progresspride_flag

flag_demisexual

So. As I was trying to nail down my gender, a sidebar article said "Other articles you may be interested in" and listed Demisexual.

Out of curiosity, I clicked.

I read the words defining Demisexual.

"Why is this defining me? Wait. Why is even this a thing, with a term, in the first place? ....wait. I'm not heterosexual?"

And it was an entire..... I didn't know that I wasn't Het, but instantly and immediately, I knew it was right. It was me, and I was home.

Like that Avicii / Aloe Blacc song.

"All this time I've been finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost."

Questioning. Yes. But. In small but important moments, there is also Answering.

Having words and terminology on new concepts, doesn't change who you are. Not better, Not worse.

Is.

Syl (Sylvia Bun) :enby_inside:

@SleepyCatten I’m gray ace so sex is weird for me. Most of the time it’s not really a consideration for me. But sometimes it is and I do get pleasure from it. Mostly, it’s about satisfying a partner for me. If they’re happy, then I am often happy to oblige even if it’s not exactly something I’m in the mood for. I’m not exactly sure what kinds of myths and beliefs exist around gray ace specifically but if there’s anything I can give perspective on from my own experiences, I’d very much love to answer any questions

Atapi.EXE Aug 2, 2024

@SleepyCatten for me it means that i don't really relate to sex in the same way as the rest of society. i still have a libido, i still might even enjoy it (idk lul) but it's a thing i'll be actively going out of my way to seek out. it does not mean i don't find people pretty or attractive, i just don't really see them as "would smash" like others do.

asexuality does not inherently mean sex-repulsion, but it's not uncommon to encounter fellow aces who declare as such

Atapi.EXE Aug 2, 2024

@SleepyCatten the biggest thing though is more or less to not sweat it and also not freak out like i did. it's okay to pick up and drop labels at random when you suddenly feel different, and it's okay to be just plain unsure.

Estel🧝‍♀️🌶️🔞Aug 2, 2024

@SleepyCatten
I consider myself Demisexual possibly demiromantic but for most of my life thought i was straight, mostly because my environment was pretty chaste.

The biggest thing for me is that i didnt get the urge for relationships (until i did) and i prefered reading syories of sex and relationships to trying it irl. To this day im more aroused by fiction than the human form.

The biggest thing to me is not to force a label but allow you to be, as you are with no judgement.

neobot_flag_trans

@SleepyCatten I'm demisexual, and to me, that basically means that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are almost the same experience for me. This means stuff like:
- Appearance is not really an important factor in whether or not I'm attracted to someone. Their personality, interests, etc are more important to me.
- cuddles before/after sex are as important (if not more important) to me than actually having sex
- I don't understand the practical difference between "fuck" and "marry" when people play the game "fuck, marry, kill".

Happy to answer any questions!

butterfly_transgender

@PurpleStephyr Yeah, that's pretty much me too.
@SleepyCatten

Tissek Aug 2, 2024

For me a disinterest in sexual activities, an apathy towards it. But also that it is a very small deal. Sex and (sexual/romantic) relationships simply isn't a core part of my personhood. I simply don't care. (My) Gender I feel similarly towards.

At the same time I notice and acknowledge hotness. And appreciate it. I feel arousal towards intimacy but not the sexual act.

celh_disability_pride

@SleepyCatten as a grey ace, for me asexuality means I usually have no interest in sexual and even sensual things. When I do, it’s almost always a solo thing.
Probably a big part of why I’m like this is trauma. It feels very weird to be both sex-averse and hypersexual in response to trauma, but there’s nothing wrong with that. My aceness isn’t invalid bc it’s influenced by trauma.

Ellen 🎈Aug 2, 2024

@SleepyCatten I recently had a think about what my asexuality means and came up with some of the following:
- I don't find jokes about sex/bodies/toilet humor funny.
-Sex is not really a goal for me in a relationship in the way quality time is*
-Sex just seems messy (so many fluids going in/coming out of different places!)
1/2
*I don't currently have a partner, but wouldn't say no if it were to happen someday

Ellen 🎈Aug 2, 2024

@SleepyCatten
-I don't always understand when sexual images are used to comment on larger topics (this prompted by a particular author whose work has featured, on at least two occasions, genitals detaching from their hosts)
2/2

nate Aug 2, 2024

@SleepyCatten I think a-spectrum experiences are so unique that they cannot be explained by few people, in my case as aro/ace i just don't feel sexual or romantic inclination and all the times i dated someone it was forced, hilariously similar to a gay dude dating a straight woman or lesbian dating a straight guy, it's like compulsory sexuality really is a thing that queer people struggle a lot... trying to perform these really damaged my psyche tbh... that's why i know i am unable to do such things... however it's a spectrum so there will be people who can! like demisexuality or demiaromanticism that you need some sort of huge emotional development before attraction! aroace experience is very diverse :3

gobborg Aug 2, 2024

@SleepyCatten one of the most ace things I've ever said was "why use your mouths for kissing when you could be discussing interesting things"

Catnip Aug 2, 2024

@SleepyCatten I highly recommend https://asexuality-handbook.com That site gives very simple yet detailed explanations about asexuality and aromantism, on top of not asking your web browser to run any Javascript.

The Asexuality Handbook

Find easy-to-understand info and advice about asexuality, the orientation where you don't experience sexual attraction