Rat (she/her)In leaving #Facebook, I'm cutting off on certain #friendships that really only exist anymore because we were on that platform together. Of course, were they really my friends if a corporate data collector masking as connection was all that held us together? But I still feel vaguely wistful. In looking at my data, I saw posts from when Web2.0 was new and I was so #naive. Yet #Mastodon and the community I see here gives me that old #hope.
One friendship in particular stands out to me. This was someone I met in college who I was instantly drawn to—this person was cool and I wanted to be just like them! They were smart and hilarious and charismatic. They could also be bitingly cruel. And I was a little scared of them. And once, when they were drunk, they said something about me that I instantly internalized and that I have judged myself by to this day
#ToxicFriend #Friendship #PersonalGrowth
#ToxicFriend #Friendship #PersonalGrowth
Only in the past year have I begun to look at the shame I've been carrying around from this person and realized their cruel comment says nothing about me and everything about them. They were projecting their own #shame into me, and it's not mine to carry. Why am I judging myself by the drunken words of a 21-year-old I never talk to or interact with except to see their #Facebook photos?! It's ridiculous!
#ToxicFriend #College #SticksAndStones #WordsHurt
#ToxicFriend #College #SticksAndStones #WordsHurt
Yet I have done so much in my life to try to silence this person's voice in my head, to prove to them that I'm not what they said I was over a decade ago now. But why? If not for #Facebook, we would have drifted apart and forgotten about each other, like we should have. Not all relationships are meant to last, and this #ToxicFriendship certainly wasn't. I deserved so much more than this person's bitterness and meanness. And I'm not carrying out anymore.
I'm living a life this person could never understand. I have done things that this person has only talked about. And honestly, this person's #InternalizedQueerphobia, which they projected onto me, is a big part of why it took me a decade to #ComeOut. I'm only now realizing that, no matter how cool this person was, they were not a supportive friend. #ToxicFriendship #PersonalGrowth #Facebook #LGBTQ #queer
Deleting #Facebook means deleting this person from my life, something that should have happened long ago. It means refusing to continue to internalize the #shame and hurt of this person's words that have haunted me for a decade. Rather than fading away, Facebook keeps #ToxicFriendships in our lives so much longer than they serve us. So #FuckZuck and goodbye and good riddance!