I'm going to bust some myths about Relationship Counselling (RC)
1. You DON'T need to be having problems in your relationship(s) to benefit from RC. Far too many people come too late, the mistrust, antipathy, and resentment has set too hard and too deep. People have to want to change to be able to change. If they are feeling resentment of the other person or people then they are likely disinclined to want to change. It is more effective to treat RC as preventative maintenance.
2. The Counsellor is NOT there to save your relationship. For one thing, they have no stake in it, why should they take responsibility for something that is not theirs? For another thing, it may not be something worth saving. If it causes one or more of the participants harm and distress then it may be better for it to end. If you feel you want to save it, great, you do the work with the Counsellor's support.
#RCMythBusting #Counselling #Therapy #Relationships #DFV #Empowerment
3. It is NOT about determining who is to blame. It is about each person in the relationship taking responsibility (distinct from blame) for what they can control and contribute to the relationship. You cannot, and should not, control another person's emotions, behaviour, beliefs. You can take responsibility for your own emotions, behaviour, and beliefs. Your behaviour can influence, coerce, manipulate etc. and you need to be aware and take responsibility for that.
4. You are NOT owed a relationship. Not from family, not from a partner(s), not from friends. A healthy relationship is one that is mutually beneficial and is an ongoing, ever renewing social commitment. Past consent does not imply nor guarantee future consent. They can choose to end the relationship at any time as can you. It is a choice to remain, and it should be a free and informed choice.
6. You DON'T have to participate in RC with the other people in the relationship. Individual RC is effective as you can focus on your own barriers and challenges to relationships. The only person we can change is ourselves and by working on ourselves we can improve our relationships. This can be about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, building positive self-esteem and self-compassion, and many other interventions.
7. There are NO "Good" or "Bad" emotions, only pleasant and unpleasant ones. All your emotions are valid and in response to a stimuli, whether it be external (sensory) or internal (cognitive). Whilst they are valid they may also not be the full story, when we experience intense emotional responses other experiences may fade into the background. While we should attend to our emotions we should also critically evaluate them. Emotions tell us more about ourselves.
8. You DON'T have to accept abusive behaviour from anyone. Family violence and coercive control is generally due to desire to maintain or establish control over others, an inability to regulate emotions, or inability to communicate needs in a more appropriate manner. In all these cases the responsibility lies with the person using the problematic behaviour.
Abusers will often use DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to blame the recipient for their violence.
MJ (they/them)