jiujensu🇵🇸Nov 8, 2022

I'm gonna toot through it? Toot still sounds like a...

Teaching jiu-jitsu...a sad🧵

I demonstrated 2 of the 3 techniques completely backwards. After I'd just asked my instructor to show me two days ago so that I'd be 100% prepared to show this set of techniques i don't use all the time. What do that say in some countries? Tits up? Ass over tits? It was bad bad bad. I felt so ashamed. I wanted to disappear. Except i couldn't because i had to teach. I had to keep talking.

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Show threadjiujensu🇵🇸Nov 8, 2022
I'm an introvert with a huge spotlight on me and I'm completely floundering. Coming off of such a great week last week too. My birthday on one class day and a solid delivery of the material, loads of confidence - i was even having fun. My head felt clear and i just demonstrated the three things i had planned without hesitation and with all the details. Everyone said it was a great class. They really meant it too. Or i accepted the praise. I thought i was hitting my stride, lol.
Show threadjiujensu🇵🇸Nov 8, 2022
Today's class was just bad. I cringed and kept thinking at every fail "what am i doing here," "i don't belong," "what comes next," "it should be someone else." There was too much background noise in my head. I couldn't focus. I was thinking 50 things at once and couldn't do the task at hand. Just describe the technique, that's all i had to do... and remember it. I froze, but tried to still go on with some fake confidence because sometimes that works to pull me through until something clicks. ⬇️
Show threadjiujensu🇵🇸Nov 8, 2022

A nice experienced student saved me and asked if it might be kesa instead of reverse kesa that was involved where i was struggling -- and he was correct. I was able to muddle through and teach it.

I should be taking from this that we figured it out and got good reps in, but all i can think was that i did poorly, handled it abysmally - apologized a lot, confidence was wrecked, and had to have a student bail me out.
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Show threadjiujensu🇵🇸Nov 8, 2022
It's so frustrating because i know these techniques inside and out, i use many of them in live rolls all the time - just sometimes i can't turn down the static in my brain of the 50 other things I'm thinking about. I don't know if it's harder for me to focus or it's just that teaching takes a lot more energy for me as a more introverted person. My instructor and others I've learned from just think of things on the fly, during warm ups even, and just explain, execute, and everyone has fun.
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Show threadjiujensu🇵🇸Nov 8, 2022

I have to plan and think ahead and map out a plan b, visualize it, and i will still be highly likely to royally screw it up. My intrusive thoughts tell me maybe teaching isn't for everyone. Maybe i don't have "it." Im not charismatic or charming and if i can't perform the techniques when i need to what am i doing there up front??

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Show threadjiujensu🇵🇸Nov 8, 2022

I have always just wanted to take class, not necessarily teach. I'm good at taking classes Follow instructions. Do the work. Don't worry when you master it, it'll come, enjoy the moment, breathe. The repetition is soothing and i can always find a little detail that i can improve.

Jiu-jitsu has been a favorite outlet for stress, fitness, and everything else for 10 years. I don't know how long it will be that in the future. Teaching feels like some kind of test - that i didn't study for.
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Show threadjiujensu🇵🇸Nov 8, 2022
I have been open to teaching as a new experience. Being raised female in an extremely patriarchal Christian bubble, encouragement to lead was nonexistent/discouraged. This is my revolt. It was hard to leave the church, but it feels impossible to crawl out from under the indoctrinated teachings/be truly free sometimes. I still feel like teaching jiu-jitsu could be good for me. Maybe it's helping me heal or take back pieces of myself that religion stamped out. But it's really hard some days.
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Show threadjiujensu🇵🇸

Anyway, I hope class was only bad in my head. But i can't help thinking - what if i don't deserve the black belt, are the others thinking i don't deserve a black belt?, i don't belong here, they don't respect me, they shouldn't respect me. I know i should be telling myself i do belong, i CAN do this, take up that space, and don't apologize. I tell this to other women. I can't seem to accept that message myself sometimes.

Next class will be better.

End of long ass 🧵.
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Nov 8, 2022 at 8:15pmWeb
Show threadjiujensu🇵🇸Nov 8, 2022
Noooooooo i finished a 🧵 and didn't hashtag!
#bjj #brazilianjiujitsu #grappling #feminism #religioustrauma #excoc #deconstruction #exchristian #patriarchy #womenblackbelt #blackbelt #teachingjiujitsu #teaching #martialarts