Diary for my belovedA chilly new year feeding the ducks
It’s been a few weeks since we last had time together. The video calls are absolutely better than nothing but even those have been disrupted by your mum. Today was wonderful, I love hearing your beautiful voice and looking at your gorgeous oval-shaped eyes.
Reflections on the future
As we ease into the new year, it feels like being at the start of a marathon. From the start line, you know what to expect at the end, but the journey ahead will be challenging, however much practice and planning was done to prepare.
Life feels heavy and too often sad. The countless difficulties and stress about whether a choice was the right one, makes me constantly think that I’m doing everything wrong. The sadness of our distance has kept a painful cloud over everything the last year.
We finally have something to be positive about though, on the horizon in a few months you will stay overnight with me and I know it will raise our spirits immeasurably. The love of a morning kiss and tenderness of bath time will be ours to share again.
While life and its many complications feels too hard to bear sometimes, the relief of having you home (finally home!!!) will let me feel like the grey clouds are parting and we can build our relationship.
Our day together
It was an extremely cold day. The hotel was warm but walking outside was unpleasant, demonstrated by few people out and about. On picking you up I had planned to go into the shopping centre immediately and avoid making you uncomfortable. After going through a few markdowns in the shops and you showing me a few items you’d like for your bedroom, we made it through to the shopping centre where I planned to relax at Starbucks while Olivia made her way to join us.
I say relax but in reality I mean hide and scan the floor in case your mum followed us to snipe at Olivia. Following the abuse your mum gave me when she saw Olivia nearby that time, and threats that I wouldn’t be able to have you for the day, both me and Olivia are frightened of an outburst, which has caused Olivia to insist on hiding both in time and distance. The uncomfortable feeling followed us through the day.
Winter walks with daddy
The shopping centre was a warm haven but not what I want for our day so we didn’t spend long there. Plus before lunch I like us to create an appetite with a walk. So, covered up with our many layers we worked our way to the river and ended up by the ducks we’ve visited many times.
To our fortune, a man came with lots of bread to give the wildlife starting with the funniest moment of him throwing an entire loaf into the river for the seagulls to attack.
Your fearlessness continues to surprise me, not minding being close to the frantic flapping birds is great, it means we can get right up close to them.
Lunch for the swansOur lunch and staying away from the cold
It started to get even colder so we went to the restaurant I planned. There was no need for booking as it was one of the quietest days in River Town I’ve seen. I think families were more interested in staying cosy at home.
While we waited for the meal you joined us like an adult interacting and enjoying the moment of socialising. It was heart warming and the highlight of my day.
I’m unclear why but the restaurant had stacks of baskets near the tables so in a moment of silliness we played with them as hats.
Our lunch dates are really joyful and Olivia had been helping all day. Little things like pushing the buggy meant I could have more time giving you hugs.
Silly time with daddyReluctant to go back outside I had dragged lunch on for a while and you expressed that you were ready for a rest so I bundled you into the buggy like we were going back outside for aimless wandering but instead after only a minute you had closed your eyes so I chose to stay inside where the restaurant’s ambiance would make a better backdrop than the ice cold air.
As our previous River Town days have concluded, the time after your nap becomes basically enough for a brief play, change, snack, kisses and then I drop you back with your mum.
Our time feels stubbornly only a lunch. When I’m outside at 4pm it hurts me to see families enjoying themselves still busy and making the most of the day while I have to hand you back like a punished dad only given limited time.
Plans for next week
Ahead of your overnight stays in a few months I’m going to start decorating your bedroom so you love it as much as your River Town bedroom. I’m planning time for us to organise things into your drawers and spaces so you know where your things are and feel comfortable overnight.
I’m counting down the days. Nothing will make a happier sleep than hearing your little snores next door and bringing you into my bed in the morning for warm snuggles before breakfast.
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