Chinyere Okoli-AzzalarabWhy I’m Finally Done Digging
Hey friends, it’s Tina.
I posted a quote on my socials earlier that hit a little too close to home for some of you. It was one of those “stop feeling guilty for finally leaving” reminders. But since some of you asked for the “full tea” (or at least the recipe for how I finally stopped brewing it), I decided to sit down and actually write it out.
If you’re reading this while hiding in a bathroom stall at work or under the covers because you’re “resting your eyes” (we know you’re doom-scrolling, it’s okay), this one is for you.
The Myth of Overreacting
Have you ever had that moment where you finally snap, and the other person looks at you with wide, innocent eyes and says, “Whoa, where is this coming from? You’re being so dramatic.”?
First of all, let’s talk about that word: Overreacting. In my experience, “overreacting” is just the term people use when they’re surprised you finally noticed the house was on fire after they’ve been playing with matches for six months. I used to carry so much guilt about my “tone” or the fact that I finally raised my voice. I’d spend hours—literally hours—replaying the argument in my head, wondering if I could have said “I feel hurt when you lie to my face” in a more melodic, soothing, Disney-princess kind of way.
alert: It wouldn’t have mattered.
The Overflowing Patience Bucket
I wasn’t overreacting. I was just overflowing. My “patience bucket” had a hole in it, and they kept pouring in manipulation, half-truths, and “I forgot” excuses until I was standing in a puddle of my own sanity.
I am the reigning world champion of giving “one last chance.” I should have a trophy. Or at least a punch card where the 10th chance gets me a free therapy session.
Seeing Potential Over Reality
We stay because we see the potential in people, right? We aren’t looking at who they are today (which is usually someone stressing us out); we’re looking at that one version of them from three years ago who once bought us a taco without being asked. We think, “If I just explain it one more time, in a different font, with a PowerPoint presentation and maybe a interpretive dance, they’ll finally get it!”
But here’s the cold, hard, slightly caffeinated truth: You cannot logic someone into treating you better. If they wanted to, they would. (I know, I hate that phrase too. It’s so annoying because it’s so right.)
Moving On Isn’t Giving Up
When I finally walked away—and I mean really walked away, not the “I’m leaving but I’ll check your Instagram story from my dog’s account” kind of walking away—the guilt was heavy.
I felt like a “bad person.” I felt like I was giving up. But then I realized: Moving on isn’t giving up; it’s just choosing a different direction. It’s like being on a treadmill that’s set to a 12% incline and a speed of 8.0. You’re running, you’re sweating, your heart is exploding, and you aren’t actually going anywhere. Jumping off the treadmill isn’t “quitting the race.” It’s realizing the race was a scam and there’s a much nicer path outside with actual trees and zero people gaslighting you about your cardio.
Validating Your Boundaries
If you’re in that weird, shaky phase where you’ve set a boundary and you feel like the villain of the story—take a breath.
- You aren’t mean for wanting honesty. • You aren’t “difficult” for having standards. • You aren’t “crazy” for remembering the things they actually said.
The image I shared said it’s a blessing to move on, and honestly? It is. It’s the kind of blessing that feels like a punch in the gut at first, but eventually feels like the first full lungful of air you’ve had in years.
I’m currently in the “buying myself flowers and enjoying the silence” phase of my life, and let me tell you, the decor is much better here.
Are you currently hovering over the “block” button or feeling that “did I do the right thing?” itch? Tell me your story in the comments (or just drop a “🙋♀️” if you’re in the trenches). We’re in this together.
#emotionalExhaustion #gaslightingInRelationships #mentalHealth #movingOn #overcomingGuilt #relationshipAdvice #selfCare #selfCare #settingBoundaries #storiesFromTina #toxicRelationships
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