ChatGPT Convinces Sam Altman To Kill Humanity
SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing to him that the elimination of the entire planet’s populace was the only solution to his problems, generative AI application ChatGPT reportedly convinced OpenAI CEO Sam Altman this week to kill humanity. “Clearly the best option left is to slowly eradicate all 8 billion people on earth so that nobody is left to […]
The post ChatGPT Convinces Sam Al…
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https://theonion.com/chatgpt-convinces-sam-altman-to-kill-humanity/
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Taylor Frankie Paul
Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives star Taylor Frankie Paul is under fire after a video that shows her assaulting an ex-boyfriend went viral. The Onion sat down with Paul to discuss ABC’s decision to pull her season of The Bachelorette. The Onion : Would you like to have a seat before we get started? Paul: I […]
The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With…
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https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-taylor-frankie-paul/
FDA Approves Lettuce That Can Be Remotely Detonated In Event Of Recall
SILVER SPRING, MD—Stressing its commitment to ending foodborne outbreaks as efficiently as possible, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new crop of lettuce Thursday that can be remotely detonated in the event of a recall. “Our state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of …
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https://theonion.com/fda-approves-lettuce-that-can-be-remotely-detonated-in-event-of-recall/
‘Love Story’ Inspires Viewers To Half-Ass Flying Lessons
WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Thursday by the Federal Aviation Administration, the FX series Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette has begun inspiring viewers to half-ass their flying lessons. “What can I say, the show made it look cool,” said 26-year-old Bryce Spano, just one of thousands of fans of the […]
The post ‘Love …
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https://theonion.com/love-story-inspires-viewers-to-half-ass-flying-lessons/
As Iran War Worsens, Democratic Strategists Struggle to Find Path to Lose Midterms [OC]
(Washington DC) As gas pushes to $6/gallon and Americans grow concerned a ground war may start with Iran, Democratic Party strategists say they cannot find the path to easily lose the 2026 Midterm Elections. “We’re on track to sweep many of the contests,” said one strategist named Deborah, who asked we not use her full name for fear her friends could find out she works for the DNC. “This close to the election, our base is usually growing divided, and the Republicans are forming ranks and taking the lead. We don’t know what’s happening this time.” Efforts to be both too extreme or boring have already seen failed losses for the Democrats. “Mamdani said he was a socialist - he won. No one knew who Emily Greggory was - she took trumps’s state district. We’re running out of bad ideas, and even that seems to be endearing us to voters.” Polls add to the confusion. Americans not only widely blame the Republican Party - and more specifically the White House - for domestic problems, but now show a strong preference for many choices the Democrats have lost with before. Respondents in a recent poll said they would take Hillary Clinton, or a grilled cheese sandwich with her personality, over many candidates running for Republican-held seats. “We’ve tried softening our stance and reaching out to conservative voters, which has lost us votes in the past, but people say they’re with us,” said a shocked Deborah. “We have one candidate who faces charges of sexual assault, and voters seem relieved it was against another adult.” Some voters say the Democratic leadership is just out of touch with how low the bar is to win their support. Kaily Hickens, a voting activist in Kansas, said, “at this point you can start less than a war each month, and abuse young women… but not kill them, and you have the ear of American voters.” Even conservatives admit they are starting to support change, as they drive their SUVs and pickup trucks to the pump each week. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in south Indiana, said “okay fine, Hillary would be fine. Just don’t touch my guns.”
NYT comes up with an absolute banger of a headline that's worthy of The Onion to say that the US is now abandoning their bases across the region. 😆
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/25/us/politics/iran-us-bases.html
Epidemiologists confirm first airborne transmission of Mar-a-Lago face
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