I really envy people who have a comfort zone.

I just left, because group dynamics were too stressful, only to be more stressed by leaving, lonelyness, feeling of being excluded or rather excluding myself and ultimately self-hatred and doubting any progress that I ever made, because the biggest question still seems unsolvable.
The question of how to leave a comfort zone that doesn't exist looks easy in comparison to this: "If I have to love myself before anyone else can love me, and the reason I hate myself is because nobody ever loved me, does that mean I should just give up?"

#mh #GroupDynamics #FeelingLeftOut #SocialAnxiety #SocialPhobia #NotJustShy #NotJustLonely #SelfHatred

@nixCraft your perspective could not possibly be more inimical to my existence. it feels naive or even smug. in my 40s i transitioned. it didn't work, coz i don't pass, so after several years of just trying to put on a brave face, i gave up & quit the physical world, staying home alone in my house. that was over two decades ago. in the intervening period, much of the world has descended into naked violence [rhetorical, political, legal, physical] against peeps like me, so the chances of me emerging from my home again are even less now in my 60s than in my later 40s & 50s. i'm glad if some humans sufficiently have their shit together to be as blasé as your statement, but hey, not all of us do.

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

I jak się można się domyślić... Relacje międzyludzkie to dramat jak jesteś autystykiem z fobią społeczną... Nawet jak bierzesz antydepresanty co mają ci pomóc, nadal nie poprawi się twoje życie w tym aspekcie, może ci być łatwiej nie panikować przy ludziach i mieć dłuższą baterię wytrzymałości, ale nic więcej...

#Asd #Autism #Socialphobia

had a little chat thru the back screen door with him, asked if he'd like a glass of cold water. we reviewed the work done so far, what else is left, what he'll tackle next today, what he'll have to leave til next time coz soon he'll be running into the appointment time of his next job. on that, he mentioned

he seems a thoroughly pleasant & courteous bloke, has always been so with me in each of our prior discourses [ie, the previous jobs he's done for me], yet, such is my terrible skullgoo, that i fixed then fixated on his not saying

similar thing happens with my mowing bloke, who i've used for very many years & who has always been great with me [& indeed, we often indulge in much silly banter]. typically when he mentions other clients, jobs, to me, he similarly mentions "a lady" or "a woman", but not "another lady" or "another woman".

it all accumulates in me, & just amply reinforces my sense of failure, thus futility.

#Depression #SelfLoathing #SocialPhobia #FailedTransition #PostOp #Transwoman #Transphobia #Unworthy #Nihilism #ExistentialFutility #SuicideIdeation #spoons #PrimalScream

@luna Tbh them ignoring me is the thing I fear though.
If they answer "Leave me alone, I hate you." than that's fine. If they ignore me I forever keep wondering why they don't answer, whether I should try again, whether I already tried too often and that was intrusive, whether I'm a bad person, why I hate myself, why nobody likes me and whether I should just stop bothering people alltogether because I'm unbareable and inadequate.

#SocialAnxiety #SocialPhobia