3.5 year relationship communication/ boundary issues. AITA? - Lemmy.World
I love my partner more than anything else in this world. We generally have a
great relationship but, I’ve been working 60+ hour weeks for a few months and it
has started taking a toll on our relationship. I’m on the “high functioning” end
of the autism spectrum and I’m also ADHD, so my work schedule has been
particularly exhausting with my limited social/executive function batteries. I’m
insanely burnt out. My SO is very supportive, mostly… He’s been taking a break
from low wage jobs and working primarily at the house, and he just started a new
freelance style job that amounts to a gig every few weeks for now. This
arrangement has been working well for us, in terms of having things covered, but
he wants to work more to bring in more income. He works hard and I see a lot of
value in everything he does. No issues there. But, he doesn’t leave the house
much, so he has an abundance of social energy and is significantly lacking in
getting enough socializing/ connection. He talks to his mom everyday and me.
We’re each other’s best friends, lovers, and support system. The problem we’re
having now is that I’m so burnt out when I’m home that I just want to melt into
the couch and completely turn off. He wants to talk constantly because he’s been
missing me and has a bunch of pent up social energy. When I explain that I
really don’t want to talk a lot, he reacts like I’m telling him I don’t want to
talk to HIM at all, and I don’t find anything he says interesting. I’ve tried to
clarify, repeatedly, that I want to be around him, but sit quietly and play a
game. It’s not about him. I’m just too exhausted to be able to focus on what I’m
doing (gaming, reading, whatever), focus on what he’s saying, and focus on the
video he’s watching that is usually what he’s talking about. I’m being asked to
concentrate on three things at once and stay 100% engaged in small talk with him
the whole time… While I’m completely out of mental energy. I explain that I’m
exhausted over and over again, as nicely as possible, only to be met with a
negative response every time. On top of this, he does a few things, constantly,
that actually annoy me to no end. His idea of organization is hiding things
where no one (including him) would think to look for that thing, in a different
spot every time, and he leaves shoes/clothes/boxes/etc in the middle of open
floors/walkways. I’m CONSTANTLY look for stuff and tripping/stepping on stuff.
My ADHD/Autism is already a constant struggle, and his behaviors multiply those
struggles. I’m always exercising patience. I look at those things as quirks of
the man that I love. Small prices to pay to live with the love of my life. But,
when I’m super burnt out I get very irritable and I’m not as patient. That
stuff, plus him refusing to let me sit in peace has been really getting to me
and I finally blew up on him. I was definitely an asshole, but I feel like I was
driven to a breaking point and he refuses to hear my perspective. His response
has been “just go somewhere else and don’t fucking talk to me then”. He thinks I
don’t find him interesting at all and I’m not fostering any romance or
connection in the relationship. I’m always trying to be sweet/cuddle and he
rejects those attempts 90% of the time. He’s threatening to leave me if I don’t
stop being moody. Basically, he’s saying “tough shit, this is how I am, take it
or leave it”. I feel like I’m not allowed to recover from burn out around him,
which sucks because, with how busy my work has been, I also really miss him and
want to be around him. Why can’t we just relax without all the small talk!?! I’m
in between a rock and a hard place and he refuses to budge. I feel like I’m
losing him and I don’t know what to do. Aside from these (IMO, totally normal)
relationship issues, I genuinely think he’s the most beautiful, intelligent, and
generally amazing person I know. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
My plan is to establish some strong boundaries with my boss. Working 60+ hours a
week for months on end is killing my relationship and putting too much strain on
my personal life/ responsibilities. I’m willing to sacrifice anything for my
relationship with my partner, but his reaction to how much I’ve been going
through, and the way he’s threatening to leave me after a few difficult months
has me questioning if he feels the same. On top of all of this, my dog died
about a month ago. I had her for 13 years, since she was 6 weeks old. Losing her
has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I’ve been extremely
emotional. Crying multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day, over
her. Crying at random bits of world news, songs, parts of shows/movies. I’m a
mess, emotionally, which has definitely amplified the burn-out irritability. I’m
at the end of my rope, my partner has seemingly ran out of patience with me and
I don’t know what to do. I really need some external perspectives and thoughtful
advice. I left for a 5 day work trip today and we argued in the car the whole
way to the airport. Posting this in between connecting flights, so I may not
respond for awhile.
AHamSandwich
Viktoria (They/She)
Jéssica (ela/dela)
Jéssica/Vitor
Francesca/Frankie